NOT Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Wow, I just woke up. And I did NOT have the weirdest Oscar dreams last night. They did NOT include the cast of Slumdog Millionaire dancing in a bottle of buttons with Hugh Jackman standing next to them in a coat and tie.

What??

If you are reading this and are one of those people who interprets dreams, I do not NOT want to know what it means. I'm pretty sure it means that I should've gone to bed earlier and not watched 4 hours of television that congratulated a bunch of movies I have not seen.

Because, let's face it. I'm a mother of 3 kids between the ages of 4 and 7. Our movie outings are NOT solely limited to things put out by Disney, Pixar and any movie that promotes itself via Happy Meals.

Ooh! Look! They mentioned Wall-E. Hey honey, we've seen that!

But wasn't Hugh Jackman great last night? I am so NOT crushing on him a little bit more this morning.

Anyway....

After last week's issue of sleep deprivation, colds, and a good ol' dose of stomach virus, I did NOT decide it was time for a little beau-ti-fi-ca-shun.

Which basically means that I did NOT hop up on the bathroom counter and inspect my face like a greedy plastic surgeon. I did NOT discover, to my horror, that some of those fine little wrinkles around my mouth were, in fact, hairs.

As in hairs!

As in "What the hay is Tom Selleck doing growing on my upper lip?"

As in, I always knew they were there but how on earth did they sprout like a field of mating bunnies?

I did NOT at any point during this um, facial inspection, glance at the razor sitting on the counter, glance at my upper lip, glance back at the razor sitting on the counter, glance back at my upper lip, have painful flashbacks to a time in my life when I tried waxing and seriously thought I was going to be buried with half a wax strip attached to my face, GRAB the razor and proceed to shave my 'stache like a man.

That's right. Like a man.

And I am NOT a man.

Or should that be not NOT a man? 'Cuz, you know, really I'm NOT. Or is that not NOT?

Anyway, at one point, I did NOT glance down, lift back the top of my pants, peer in, and say, "Yep, still a woman."

I also did NOT pray during this shaving expedition the following words...

"Please don't let Sim walk in during this. Please don't let Sim walk in during this. Dear God, there are some things a man does not need to see or know."

I must admit, the results were stunning. Fast, easy, and painless. And smoooooth.

And, of course, since I can't keep a secret from Sim, I did not excitedly exclaim, "Dude! Check this out. Is that like a baby's butt or what??"

We did not then spend a few minutes checking out each other's upper lip and comparing whose was smoother. And since I'm a chick, I did NOT ask him questions about stubble and five o'clock shadows.

All things I'm proud to say that have not been an issue since my journey into mustache shaving.

And can I just take a moment to say.. is my husband NOT awesome or what? His wife starts sprouting facial hair and he still digs her. Yep, I'm a lucky gal.

He's also a very smart man. Like, for instance, last night when they were getting all the past Best Actress Oscar winners ready to announce the newest Best Actress winner.... and when I asked him, "So, if you could make out with one woman right now at this very instant, would it be Meryl Streep or Sophia Loren", he did NOT look at me and clamp his mouth down shut.

Would not answer.

Would not budge.

All I wanted to know is if he preferred the more natural looking Streep or the darkly spray tanned and Botoxed (but wonderfully bosomed) Loren.... but he somehow thought it was a trick question and would not answer.

I'm pretty sure he was NOT thinking, "Why don't you throw Kiera Knightley into the mix?" but he knew that I would NOT clobber him for uttering that out loud.

Because there is NOT an unspoken rule that when I give him a free pass to tell me who his movie star crush is, it can not include starlets who are too young to grow moustaches.

But, Kiera, honey, if you're reading this and you do happen to have facial hair, shoot me a PM and I'd be happy to add you to the list of movie stars that Sim's allowed to fancy.

And that's about it. Hope you all have a great week!