I originally started this blog a few years ago to chronicle Noah's daily struggles with autism. It was a dark time in my life - a time when I felt that things would never get better. It was a time when I felt that all my hopes and dreams for my son and for our family had died. In my efforts to help Noah recover from autism, I began a journey that inadvertently led me to rediscover myself. I learned how to laugh again. How to dream again. How to live again. How to love again.

Autism Schmaustism. He's still our son.

This is a blog celebrating our family. Our kids. Our life.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Why I Haven't Been Blogging

I know that I haven't been blogging much lately. I don't know... I think I've just lost interest in it.

In the past, I could blog about mindless, frivolous drivel - like how Sim didn't know who Rick Springfield was or my letter to Michael Phelps or how I'll drive across Texas in order to find a bag of special edition Hershey kisses. I could write about things that were fun and lighthearted - but I just can't find that place inside me anymore.

Now, I did nearly blog the other day about how I almost had a panic attack when I thought that L'Oreal discontinued my favorite lipstick, but it just seemed pointless and unimportant - especially when compared to the real stuff going on in my life.

I don't know what to blog about anymore. I know that blogs are meant to be for the blogger only and that you should be able to blog about anything you want - but I can't help but recognize that blogging about RAD is alienating me from the people in my real life. And, quite honestly, I'm not sure if I want people in my real life (IRL) to know what's going on.

It's like I/we/my family has turned into the white elephant in the corner of the room. People just don't know how to act around us anymore. They don't know what to say - and quite frankly - I get the feeling that most don't believe us.

Many believe that a good spanking would do the trick. Put some fear into them! They'll never respect you unless they're scared of you.

Good grief. If your friends and family think it's your lack of parenting skills that are the problem... if your friends and family don't understand... then what to do you do?

Being the parent of kids with special needs is already a lonely place. I can't tell you how many friends we've lost over the years. I am still reeling over losing my best friend five years ago because she couldn't handle Noah's autism. We're talking closer than close. We talked every day. Vacationed together. The works.

And that pain is still very real.

And so you tend not to get close to people in real life because you know that sooner or later they're going to move on - especially if they have kids. If they don't have kids, they just won't understand. And if they do have kids, chances are that they'll get tired of you making excuses...

Sorry. I would love for us to all go to the movie, but Noah shrieks really loud and will run up and down the aisles and we'll get asked to leave.

You have a pool? Ummm... we can come over, but we can't play in the backyard. Noah's really attracted to water and I'll have to spend the entire time keeping him out of the pool.

Yeah, I'd love to go to the park.... as long as you don't mind hanging out at the swings. That's the only place that Noah will go to at a park.

I would love a girl's night out, but Sim works late hours and I'd have to hire a sitter and we can't really afford that. Maybe next time.

Amusement park? Water park? It'll be really crowded and I can't watch all three by myself. Nandini has a tendency to run away from me in public and Noah's in a stroller and can't go on a lot of the rides.

Birthday party? Are all three of my kids invited or just Eli? He's scared to be away from me and gets nervous around a lot of kids. Sim works weekends, so he can't watch the other two and I don't feel comfortable just dropping off Eli. Yeah, I do understand that you don't want my other two there, but Sim's working. I don't know what to do.

Sorry, I can't. I don't have anyone to watch the kids.

Don't you see? It gets pretty old after awhile.

People in my real life just don't get it. They don't understand that it's no fun for me to hang out with a bunch of people when I'll have to keep dragging Noah away from the pool or the pond or the road. There's no point in going if I'm going to spend the whole time doing that.

And I realize that people might find it easier just not to invite us places. Who really wants their day/party/event ruined by a shrieking, flapping, spinning child? Or a daredevil child that has no fear? Or an almost 6 year old who is scared of everything and suffers anxiety? I understand that it's probably just a lot easier for us to just stay home.

I really do.

I'm also aware that I turn every conversation into a therapy session. I know I do it. But this is my whole world. This has been my world for nearly 7 years. I'm pretty sure that I used to have a life outside of this, but I can't quite remember what it was. I know that I can be an emotionally exhausting person to be around. I know that.

And I also know that unless you're going through it or have been through it then it's really hard to understand.

Do you realize that pretty much not a single person in my real life has asked how we're doing? No one has called up and said, "Hey, I don't have a clue what you're going through, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you."

People don't know how to act around us. They don't know what to say. And most think it's a parenting issue - a discipline issue - and think we should get out the belt and quit whining.

Can't you see why I don't want to blog anymore?

I just don't know what to blog about. I don't want to blog about what's going on and be made to feel vulnerable and exposed when most people think it's our fault anyway.

And then it seems really stupid to blog about nonsense stuff when the truth is that we're really hurting right now. This RAD stuff is kicking our butt. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. Sim and I will look at each other at night and just think, "How the hell are we going to get through this?"

It is frightening to realize that your child's future depends on whether you have the patience, resources, money, and energy to help them get through it.

That's a powerful burden to bear.

And it's easy to say give it to God. That God has his own special plan for our children. And that's true. But I don't think God wants us to sit on our butt and not do anything.

The problem is that we don't know what He wants us to do. And what if it's not His plan for my kids to heal? Do you understand that RAD kids are the ones who can kill? Who can easily end up in gangs? Who get institutionalized? Who end up in jail?

Do you have any idea what it's like to live with that?

It's hard to enjoy the moment of the day when you are scared to death of the future.

I don't know. I've blogged way to much. Spouted out more than I even wanted to and now I feel really vulnerable and foolish and exposed.

I hate to lump RAD in with mental illness (but it is sorta the same thing), but I've often read that living with someone who has mental illness is the hardest thing in the world to do because people just don't understand. It is so misunderstood.

By the time you read this, I'll be feeling a lot better. Actually, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off me because I've really wanted to say all this for a long time and I really didn't know how.

I'm hoping that this blog post will break the proverbial ice and I'll be able to write again.

And despite how this post sounds, I'm really trying to stay and positive and see the good things that are happening. They're few and far between.... but they're happening.

I just feel, though, that I really needed to get this out. I really just needed... to say it. That's all.


Christine said...

If you ever take this post down, I will sooooooo kick your ars! Now, allow me to hijack your comments.

Dear Leslie's friends:

If you are sitting there thinking, "Well, it's her own fault." or "I've never seen it, so it must not be true." or "If she would just ..." ...

Bridge that gap. Ask her to teach you, and listen and learn. Believe her ... ya' know, because you know her and you have watched her sacrificial life. Understand why you have not, and probably will not, ever see the worst of it.

Bring them dinner! Plan a Mommy gathering around her kids and their needs.


They are committed and willing to live this. They are being Jesus every second of every day. They didn't expect a lot of this, but God is not surprised. They will flourish with a support system around them.

Are you a part of that, or are you using your silence and absence to further alienate their precious family? They need you. Come on. Get on it!

Don't make me come down there ...

TracyC said...

Leslie--how did you read my mind? I had a panic attack last night because I need to go to the dentist--that in itself would cause an attack--but I can't figure out who can watch the kids.

Fact: the average baby sitter cannot handle my girls. My older two, yes--if they remember to notice that Sophie can just wander off quietly. The younger two, no way. We've got no family here. It's me and it's Jeff watching these kiddos 24-7. Panic attack.

Anyway, let me tell you: you said everything that I've been feeling. Real people do not get it. I am so sick of the "she's just sneaky and if you beat the $%$^ out of her, she'd stop." Can't go to this outing, that party, those activities: been there, not done that.

Bottom line: I feel your pain.

dawn said...

Here is a big hug from Arizona.

I'm glad you got that off your chest.

Now, girlfriends....get off your asses!

No one ever said it would be easy. Be Christ to this family who is doing their very best to be Christ to their children.

Leslie: The enemy of your soul would have you stop blogging. He would have you feel isolated. Resist that temptation.

Mom 4 Kids said...

I so feel this post! It does feel that we become the untouchable family when we are parenting RAD. That we are doing something wrong and that is why our child is the way they are. That we are making it up because the child does okay at school, grandmas, or wherever. Family that has loved us and respected us since our birth can say "it's your fault, it's your environment, she just needed to be an only child, you slight her," and so many other hurtful things. And I totally get it. If these folks won't stand beside us we feel we have no hope of ever convincing the community to support us.

You may be guessing that all my conversations turn into therapy sessions too. Any who ...

Keep blogging and reaching out to families who do get it. Who are living it too. Hugs and Support coming your way!

Hannah said...


THANK YOU! Thank you for being brave enough to say so much that needed to be said for so many families that are dealing with this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Lord, I ask for non-digital friends for Leslie who will physically come around her and her family and support her and show her the love that SHE needs. I pray for friends that will be patient and will bend every possible way just to spend time with her, no matter the circumstances, because it's what SHE needs. I pray against Leslie's feelings of hopelessness and fear of the future in Jesus' name. I pray she will know your FULL peace and that people, YOUR people will step up and go beyond themselves to reach out to this family.


Jennifer said...

I will try to get in touch with you on Facebook soon where I can write more in a message without it being public. Suffice it for now to say - I sooooo feel your pain! We adopted our daughter from Siberia when she was 12. She had lived in orphanages basically her whole life. The measly 5 months she spent with her birth mother when she was born must have been pretty bad because she was taken away for neglect, and the information we have on her birthmother makes her look pretty rough. Our daughter's next 6 years were spent being moved from one shelter/hospital/orphanage to another with her even suffering tuberculosis during this time. Around the age of 6 she was finally put in the orphanage we adopted her from, not a great place. In all her life there was never anyone from her family that showed any care or concern towards her even though her orphanage was in the same town she was adopted from. So imagine - severe neglect from birth to 5 months, 6 years of constantly being moved around to different "holding spots," another 6 years in a Russian orphanage where kids smoked, drank vodka, watched porno, beat up on each other, etc. Add to that the fact that our daughter's birthmother was a severe alcoholic and didn't stop during her pregnancy so our daughter's brain was damaged through her birthmother's drinking.

The challenges we have dealt with and still deal with have been indescribable, and we really can't talk about it to anyone because no one understands or believes us. Everyone sees the "sweet girl" on the surface and thinks she's just a perfect angel, that any problems we have are just our own or "normal teenage" issues.

I am working hard to get caught up on some things around here, but hopefully soon I'll get a bit of time and start messaging with you on Facebook. I'm not sure I will be much help to you, but I can at least relate in a way that others can't.

God bless!

Chantelle said...

The RAD I don't have experience with, but the alienation I'm beginnging to understand. Family members and friends are beginning to admit that they don't know if they want to be around us after our HIV+ daughter comes home. (Some have outright said "all contact is OVER".)

I 100% believe everything you say about your kid's behaviours and I 100% believe that you are doing the very best that can be done for your children. I support you completely.

Don't feel like you have to blog 'light and fluffy'. Blog heavy and thick whenever you want if it makes you feel better. I love reading what you say no matter what consistancy it is. :)


Lisa said...

Dear Leslie,
I ditto everything Christine said. Verbatim. I, as you know, have lived in the silent world that is living in RADland. No one gets it unless they've lived it. We lived in almost complete hibernation for almost the 1st year and it was such a lonely place to be.

Blogging helped with the loneliness and connected me with parents who understood what I was living with.

Don't stop blogging. I would miss you. Also, if you're worried about the IRL people who don't get it reading, think about doing another anonymous blog and call all the RAD moms over for tea. We'll be happy to join you. ;-)

truevyne said...

"And what if it's not His plan for my kids to heal? Do you understand that RAD kids are the ones who can kill? Who can easily end up in gangs? Who get institutionalized? Who end up in jail?

Do you have any idea what it's like to live with that?"

Oh, I so KNOW what it's like to live with this deep down in my own hidden soul. Come meet my charming son (he really is!), and I'll bet you'll see right through the polish to the ever present lies, manipulation and fear. You've been given eyes to see what others refuse to see in a child. Honestly, I think it is a gift to live in the reality of seeing, so healing even has the possibility to occur.

My husband works late nights and weekends too, and it's lonely and isolating. I don't have a sitter for my thirteen year old son- who'd understand that I need one in the first place?

Keep on, sista. I'm thinking of pilgrim in Pilgrim's Progress- it's the hard but good road.

waldenbunch said...

My heart hurts for you. As some of the other comments have said, been there, done that. Unbelievably lonely and difficult. Family doesn't understand, friends don't get it, homeschoolers just think I'm lazy and undsiciplined because my adopted ones are behind. Well, when you spend all day dealing with loss and grief and anger school just somehow goes by the wayside. We had to have our oldest committed to a group home for sexually abused kids. Didn't even know she had been sexually abused until after 4 years of destruction in our home. Before she left, I stopped sleeping because I was afraid she'd kill me, even with alarms on the doors. Try to explain that to your friends. We still have her 2 younger siblings and I know the statistics. One day at a time. That's the only way to survive. Keep blogging. It's cheap therapy!

tubaville said...

Yep, I lost my closest friend because my daughter with RAD continued to call her "mom", try to feel up her kid, and then she had a baby and my kid? CANNOT be around babies without them getting hurt in some way. So I feel your pain. Some of my family gets it but most don't and we just don't talk to them anymore. You are not alone.

Story of our Life said...

First and foremost --- Lots of HUGS being sent your way.

There are several other lovely comments and I can not add anything that is any better than what has already said.

What I can/will say is...I've BTDT along with you. I could have wrote this very same post ONLY add in the disruption portion...and it is me. My life. Your life. All RAD-ish moms lives!

Hang in there!!

:) Love Gala

Brenda said...


You are not alone. Reactive Attachment Disorder IS a mental disorder in the diagnostic manual used by the mental health profession. (((((((hugs))))))))) You deserve some time out. Can you see if your county has respite providers? They should have trained people who can give your some time out to reenergize. Not only do you deserve it but you NEED it.

Please continue to write your feelings. It will build your support system. If there are others who are not understanding about RAD find articles and print them to educate them.

If they are truly your friends who care for you they have just not understood what is truly going on. Let them know. We will all be back to see how you are doing because we care and are concerned about you.

Anonymous said...

You are sooooo not alone. We are parents of RADishes as well as other special needs. I know just how you feel. We are praying for you and your family. Hang in there!

mama d said...

amen. Thanks for posting.

Sara said...

I'm not a RAD mama...but I've worked in centers with RADlings before. I used to be a home health aide and I'm always astounded at the isolation and loneliness and harriness that the mamas feel/express because even with me there..they don't know what to do with themselves. This is powerful and I'm so glad you got it out. Don't be scared of the truth. Your truth. *hugs*

:)De said...

You are not alone. Don't stop blogging, even if it's the real stuff every day! None of us should feel alone...

this is us said...

This is such an honest and real post and my heart hurts for you and resonates with so much of what you said! Don't know what I'd do without the blog mommies out there who DO get it! I too pray for an in-person friend who will get it and be a support and encouragement to you in person!!!!

Wife to the Rockstar said...

i love you. i don't know you, but i love you.

C and G said...

you are an amazing, strong woman and mother

C and G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sandwichinwi said...

Oh, Leslie! I do get it because my kids are tough, too, but I'm sure I don't get it, because they aren't RADlings.

(((HUGS))) and please don't stop blogging. I have missed your posts lately.

If nothing else, let it be that last link to your "normal" life. Or let it be therapy. Please make a private blog, if that's what you need to do, but for sure, girl, INVITE ME!

And please come to my house to play. ALL of you! I'll push Noah on the swing!


Corey said...


Can I call you? Everyday? (Even if I'm mad jealous that Christine is moving to Texas and not Virginny?)

I was telling someone yesterday that on the one hand, I would LIKE to wish all of this away, all of the horrible awfulness that 2 of my kids in particular have brought us. But on the other, if it was not for them, I would never have met any of the amazing moms I have met on this journey. I would never have believed you, or Christine, or anyone else about how your/our kids truly are. An empathy builder? Yeah, RAD will do that for you! Sister, I hear everything you are saying, and lots of things you are NOT saying. And I get every single word of it. I could have written this blog post.

Unlike Christine, I don't have much hope for your "normal" friends. They might as well be from another planet. What we live through is not within their scope of understanding. If we can't find PROFESSIONALS who can grasp it, how can we expect our friends to comprehend any of it? For me, it's part of the grief of RAD.. the loss of "all things normal." And I'm sad about those people who used to be part of my life, but with whom I have nothing in common any more.. but man, I am SO blessed to have Christine, and you, and all the other Moms who are just trying to hold it together every day.

I might barely know you, Leslie, but I know the ins and outs of your every day, and I love you because you GET UP IN THE MORNING.

You can bring your flappy, fearful, oppositional, runaway crew to my house any day. They won't even stand out!

Anonymous said...

Look at all of those beautiful, supportive, encouraging, loving, caring coments.

See, people do care and people do know what you go through. The ones that are ment to be in your life will be. The ones that can not "get it" or are not willing to try, or just plain do not want to educate them selves on anyting other than the "norm" will keep heir distance.
I will keep running to you and being there for you no matter how big or how little. No matter what, NO MATTER WHAT! X O X O

Mamita J said...

First of all...HUGS to you. I don't completely know what your life is like, but I can relate to much of what you feel....and you need and deserve a hug. :-)

I just found you through Christine.

You are pouring your life, your soul, and your strength into these kids. Being Jesus to tough kids is hard work. I never imagined how hard.

You've got to have a break. Ask your homestudy agency for respite care references. Find a crisis nursery. Find another adoptive mom who knows the drill. You've got to take care of yourself, so you can take care of your kids.

Be bold in asking for help. Post on your blog some of the things you CAN do with your kids. Ask people to do specific things. If it is easiest at home with no other kids, ask your friends to get a sitter and come have coffee.

I pray some local friends come and pick you up and love on you.

Hang in there. You can do this.


Amy said...

Love you sweet friend and I am so sorry you are hurting. Amy

Sean's Ladies said...

I am so glad Christine linked you.
I am so sorry. I completely understand your pain and isolation. I will be praying right now that one good friend--maybe another adoptive mother--will come along, IRL. Until then, please don't stop blogging. You are not blogging just to those that don't understand. You are connected to all of us who are going through the same thing.

This is a deep, true and lovely sacrificial ministry to these little precious lives. Hang in there.

Lisa said...

I cannot imagine what you are feeling, but I know how I would feel if I were in your life: timid. NOT TO MAKE EXCUSES, but everyone does NOT have what it takes to take on what you and your husband are blessed with. I pray God sends you the people you need, that the people you HAVE will step up and do the right thing, and that I, even as a commenter on your wonderful blog, wont be scared to comment because I don't want it to sound silly or repetitive. You are having a tough time I cannot begin to understand now, yes, but God is there, even when we begin to wonder what on Earth he is "doing" to us! LOL

I also don't believe in coincidences, and my word verification is "blessed". And you and your family are blessed, with a plan God had laid out that you may never fully understand in this world. God has his hands on your and your babies, and as you know by now after all these comments, you have MANY, MANY prayers going up on your behalf.

Love and Prayers, Lisa S.

Charlotte said...

Sent here by Christine, (just LOVE her post). My siblings and I were adopted as older children. We each experience some of the RAD'symptoms', but we are now adults, each struggling in life in different ways as a result, each looking to the Lord to restore our lives and teach us about healthy relationships, among many other things :).

I understand what you say about breaking the ice. I identify with you about not blogging because I fear exploring the deeper issues. You give me the courage to talk about what I have been experiencing lately.

Your Mom job is more important than any of us can say. Your sacrifice is nothing short of being Jesus for your family. I pray that the Lord will bless you and your family.

Mrs. Roma said...

I couldn't possibly relate to your post more. I think maybe you'll have to see blogging in a different light, and rather than using it to write about the frivolous, use it to right about what's real and hard. I JUST started a blog last week to chronicle my family's struggles and I have found it to be so therapeutic- mostly because it is made me realize that there are other moms, just like me, in RADland- we've got never ending season passes and we're riding all the rides TOGETHER!

marythemom said...

Most of my friends and family don't understand RAD, and I NEED the internet and access to other moms who DO get it.

Blogging is the only way I can vent and access a world that understands. That doesn't see and believe the charming fronts my kids present.

At the same time, the few friends and family I have that read my blog are getting an education and insight into the life of a RAD parent and what I'm dealing with on a day to day basis. I don't have to try to convince them or waste my breath.

I hope yo continue to blog.

Mary in TX

Mom to biokids Ponito(10) and his sister Bob(12)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(14) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Mom of 3 Boys said...


You don't know me, I was hijacked by Christine's blog and found myself here. I only have the smallest idea of what raising a child with RAD entails as my nephew was recently diagnosed. I do however have a severely autistic son and my life is his therapy, researching other resources and trying to spend quality time with his older brothers.

I just want to say that you are so incredibly BRAVE! You put in this post so many thoughts that I have thought of writing on my own blog. I'm just not quite ready to be so vulnerable and admit how powerless I am and how HARD my life is right now.

It is hard! Somedays it sucks! It may sound trite but I truly believe in the power of prayer and I'll keep you and your family in mine.


ManyBlessings said...

I think others DO understand, but it's those of us out here in cyberland who have our own share of attachment issues. Not all of us have RADlings, but all of us who've struggled can relate on some level.

On a side note, I wanted to point you to a blog. It's written by a man who was once a RADish himself. He is writing TO parents about what it is like to be him. It's an amazing look inside the heart and mind of a child with RAD.


You won't be sorry you read it. Not at all. His post today was heart stopping.

angie said...

your post is so awesome and so honest. I love it and I am sending a hug from Utah. You are a great mom and I agree with Christine... you are being Jesus every second of everyday. May God bless you.

Paddy said...

Hi Leslie,

Do NOT ever stop blogging. Thinking and praying for you.


Stephanie Craft Gurley said...

Psalm 23:3
he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psalm 23:2-4 (in Context) Psalm 23 Psalm 41:3
The LORD will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.
Psalm 41:2-4 (in Context) Psalm 41
Psalm 51:12
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:11-13 (in Context) Psalm 51
I am definately not in your shoes, but I must say you are a miraculous women. I can say that God will restore your days... I don't have a lot of time to reply but dwell on the Lord...
With Love Steph's Swimmers

Kathy C. said...

God bless you.

Amy said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time now - a couple years, probably. But I've never commented. I just wanted to tell you that I've admired you since I first found you, and hold you in the highest esteem for the way you live your life. You inspire me to be more patient, loving, creative, and involved. I enjoy every single one of your posts - the deep, the silly, and the in-between. So I just wanted to say that when you do feel the inspiration to blog again, no matter what it's about, I'll be reading and enjoying every word. Thank you for being here.
- Amy

Cindy said...

I found your post thru No hands but ours. I was in tears reading it and felt an immediate urge to write to you but hesitated because I have not really experienced what you are experiencing and wasn't sure what to say. But then I thought about it and thought that is part of your hurt. It would easy to not to say or do anything because you are unsure of what to say or do. But you are hurting and you need comfort. You need to be strengthened and cared for also so that you can take care of yourself and your family.

Without even knowing you here's what I want to tell you. YOU are an amazing woman and an incredible mother. I am so proud of you and if our world was filled with people that even had a fraction of your fortitude, love and dedication you would bet this world would be an infinitely better place.

And if you live anywhere near the Philadelphia area, stop by my blog, leave me your number and I will come over after dinner and while you are doing your nightly routine I will help clean your kitchen and throw in a load of laundry and quick run the vacuum and ignore the screams and defiance and the tantrums and when you are done we will sit on your sofa and eat take out, drink wine, indulge in ice cream and while we are picking out our chick flick pay per view movie we will laugh and cry over todays antics and we will get it all out...or as much as we can for the day and we will escape for 2 hours in a movie. And before we say good night we will plan our date for next time because thats what friends and family do.

I hope your inner circle "hears" you and if not I hope you find a better circle. Lastly, I hope you are a Philly girl because I am coming over :) You don't know me enough to know I am serious but I am.

Love, friendship & understanding, Cindy

Kristenw3kids said...

I dont know you, but I have had to deal with RAD foster children in my home and you really hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your openness and authenticity! You are loved and choosen and I was blessed by your post.

Jena said...

I also found you through Christine. I am not a RADish mama, but I want you to know that I respect you, not for how amazing you are or seem, not b/c I think you might be doing such a great job,
nope,I respect you because you are hanging on.

Keep hanging on. Don't let go. I will pray for God to meet you, to make a way in the darkness.
Know that there are some of us non-RADish mama's who pray for you, who believe in what you are doing, who know that we are ALL broken, all of us. And who know that someday, we may be where you are, and hope that when we are, someone will be praying for us, and beleiving in us, and telling us to hang on.

Sneha V said...

That's a lot. A lot of people who support and stand behind you.
A lot of people who love to read your blogs. Who don't mind listening to your "therapy sessions". A lot of people who think what you are doing is absolutely wonderful.

And a whole lotta people who are going to miss you if you stop blogging.

I can't pretend to know what it's like.
I really, honestly can't.
But if there weren't quite a few miles separating us, I would go and give your friends quite a mouthful.
It isn't your fault. It never has been. It's a crazy amount for anyone to deal with..and watching you do so is SO SO SO VERY inspirational to the rest of the world.

And we'd miss that.

Most of all, we'd miss YOU.

You're a great person, and your kids just add to that greatness.
If your friends can't see that...screw 'em (said in the most respectful manner).
There's bigger & better people out there for ya.


jules said...

I don't know you but I so want to give you a hug. Your blog is allowing you to release, connect and educate. I cannot imagine your everyday - but I know that I have learned so much by reading your blog. I take all of the information you provide, the emotions you express and keep them stored for the day that I will use them as a teacher. I learn from your stories about patience and know that it is very important for me to step back in any situation and really see what is going on - to give children that respect. I have a long way to go with that.

If the hard is what you have going do not be afraid to release it in your writing - hopefully the release of the words with help some with the emotions.

You have support here - I know that does not help with getting some time for yourself - so please let us encouarge you with our words as you amaze us with yours.

Linda said...

Hugs to you and your hurting Mama's heart.

I can understand on some level. I don't have rad kids but I do have several w/ various sn's that have isolated us from other families. It is lonely and some days are tougher than others.

Praying for you and your precious children.

Kerrie said...

While I hurt with and for you, it's always such a relief to ME when someone writes about the ugly side of this life we've accidentally chosen. And it helps me to know there are others out there, but, let's face it, it's more like we're alone together. It's a dark place. Thanks for letting us in it.

Mia said...

I know I haven't commented much on your blog and still am relatively new to it..but...these are the same things I've been expressing to my hubs.

Please, email me, when you can. I'd love to talk. generalhysteria AT gmail DOT com.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

On my blog I make a strong effort to tell it like it is and I think I may get 1/3 of the reality expressed.

Real people? Forget it. You can see the muscles in their faces solidify as they try desperately not to look at you in horror. It shows anyway. Thinking, clearly she is over- reacting, what did she expect with that poor kid, the kid looks fine to me must be the parents.... etc.

It helped me tremendously to know that there were other parents out there having the same struggles and surviving it (and some days I mean that literally, still breathing at the end of the day is a success). Anyway, I hope this, and all the others, helps a tiny bit.

soontobemomof9 said...

I read this post and thought ... change a few lines here and there and I have been there. Here is a big hug for you!

I have a 14 year old that is, lets just say "unique"... and I hvae cried myself to sleep many nights feeling alienated, alone, hopeless, and exhausted.

Somedays I wish he has a visible disability so I everyone could see "this is what he struggles with..."

From reading these comments... you have alot of good friends!

I have learned never, never, never be ashamed to be honest and say "I jsut can't do this parenting thing alone right now and I need a shoulder to cry on!" ... We aren't martyrs... just mothers, doing the best we can. As a mom, you know your child better than anyone else...

Jenn said...

Oh my, I'm so glad I checked in with you...I'm sorry my friend. I could relate with most every word...the friendships I've lost are endless. Praying...that's about all I can do...please let me know if you ever want to talk.

hydra12 said...

Hey, sis. I've been at youth camp, so I didn't see this until today. I can't say I completely understand what you and the kids are going through, but kind of know how you feel from our time with Robert (just to a lesser extent). I don't have any great words of wisdom or anything; I just want to tell you to hang in there. We are praying for you. Any time you need to talk/vent/whatever, give me a call, OK?


Robin said...

You know I wished I lived closer...no I do not have a special child and no I do not know what you are going through...But you are a mother, wife, and human(superhuman)....that gives us some connections..I'm a wife and mother and a human (I think at times but not a super human). I hate that there is so much ignorance in the world about these issues and what the families have to go through...You love your children and want the best for them just like I love mine and want the best for mine..We are no different there..the difference comes from the challenges we face yours are so different from mine...Do not feel bad about this posting..I know it made you vulnerable...but I also know you are not alone in this world even though it feels like it...God does have a plan and he revels it to us when we are ready....I wish I knew what else to say and that there was a way to help

You can contact me to vent anytime you want..I may not understand fully but I do..

Wife of the Pres. said...

Hi, My name is Leslie too! Came over from NHBO. I would go to the park w/ you w/ my three in tow and stay at the swings! One of mine would love that too. In fact, we did that yesterday. I would've loved someone else to talk to who doesn't stare and wonder about my DD. As for the movie, yeah we don't go either anymore. Ours does not have autism but she can't do the movies for other reasons. Dark places scare her.

I get tired too. As for friends, I don't have too many but I am grateful for the ones I have. I have mostly found this road of adopting a SN child mostly lonely, at the times when I could really use a friend.

I have a feeling a lot of us can really relate to your post in one way or another, though we might not have the courage to say it on our blogs. Thanks for your honesty. And those around you are the ones who are missing out. Noah is obviously special and they choose not to see his uniqueness as a gift. If they feel uncomfortable, it is b/c they choose to.

I love Christine's reply. Very well said.

Jessica said...

It is 5:30am and my son has been up since 3am, again, and I have hit bottom. So has my husband, who never hits bottom, and that is usually been what;s kept me going is that he seems to be able to rise above Charlie's autism and let me be the one to rant, complain, and give up at 4am. SO I jumped on-line, determined to find a solution to what I've decided is a yeast issue, and I came across your blog (in a long, ciruitous way). And I am so glad. Everything I've been feeling and thinking is spilled across your entries. Charlie is turning 5 on Tuesday. He is not potty trained yet. I'm having panic attacks about his kindergarten placement. I am lamenting the loss of several friendships with people I've known a long time. Thank you for writing. Thank you for being so honest. I think I may be a ble to go back to sleep now. I hope you are feeling better these days. Its such a roller coaster, isn't it?
Jessica in NY

Recovering Noah said...

Hey Jessica, you can email me at recoveringnoah@yahoo.com anytime you want.

I totally understand what you're going through. Five was a VERY hard year for us. Not as hard as three, but Noah was still waking up at 3:00 every morning when he was five.

And my husband is also the one who can rise above it, too, so I understand what it's like when both of you are down at the same time. Usually, we're opposite, so one of us is the voice of reason... but when we've both had it... well, it feels like we're in a black hole with no way of escaping.

Hope you can get some sleep. And, seriously, email anytime.

Leslie :-)

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