I know that I haven't been blogging much lately. I don't know... I think I've just lost interest in it.
In the past, I could blog about mindless, frivolous drivel - like how Sim didn't know who Rick Springfield was or my letter to Michael Phelps or how I'll drive across Texas in order to find a bag of special edition Hershey kisses. I could write about things that were fun and lighthearted - but I just can't find that place inside me anymore.
Now, I did nearly blog the other day about how I almost had a panic attack when I thought that L'Oreal discontinued my favorite lipstick, but it just seemed pointless and unimportant - especially when compared to the real stuff going on in my life.
I don't know what to blog about anymore. I know that blogs are meant to be for the blogger only and that you should be able to blog about anything you want - but I can't help but recognize that blogging about RAD is alienating me from the people in my real life. And, quite honestly, I'm not sure if I want people in my real life (IRL) to know what's going on.
It's like I/we/my family has turned into the white elephant in the corner of the room. People just don't know how to act around us anymore. They don't know what to say - and quite frankly - I get the feeling that most don't believe us.
Many believe that a good spanking would do the trick. Put some fear into them! They'll never respect you unless they're scared of you.
Good grief. If your friends and family think it's your lack of parenting skills that are the problem... if your friends and family don't understand... then what to do you do?
Being the parent of kids with special needs is already a lonely place. I can't tell you how many friends we've lost over the years. I am still reeling over losing my best friend five years ago because she couldn't handle Noah's autism. We're talking closer than close. We talked every day. Vacationed together. The works.
And that pain is still very real.
And so you tend not to get close to people in real life because you know that sooner or later they're going to move on - especially if they have kids. If they don't have kids, they just won't understand. And if they do have kids, chances are that they'll get tired of you making excuses...
Sorry. I would love for us to all go to the movie, but Noah shrieks really loud and will run up and down the aisles and we'll get asked to leave.
You have a pool? Ummm... we can come over, but we can't play in the backyard. Noah's really attracted to water and I'll have to spend the entire time keeping him out of the pool.
Yeah, I'd love to go to the park.... as long as you don't mind hanging out at the swings. That's the only place that Noah will go to at a park.
I would love a girl's night out, but Sim works late hours and I'd have to hire a sitter and we can't really afford that. Maybe next time.
Amusement park? Water park? It'll be really crowded and I can't watch all three by myself. Nandini has a tendency to run away from me in public and Noah's in a stroller and can't go on a lot of the rides.
Birthday party? Are all three of my kids invited or just Eli? He's scared to be away from me and gets nervous around a lot of kids. Sim works weekends, so he can't watch the other two and I don't feel comfortable just dropping off Eli. Yeah, I do understand that you don't want my other two there, but Sim's working. I don't know what to do.
Sorry, I can't. I don't have anyone to watch the kids.
Don't you see? It gets pretty old after awhile.
People in my real life just don't get it. They don't understand that it's no fun for me to hang out with a bunch of people when I'll have to keep dragging Noah away from the pool or the pond or the road. There's no point in going if I'm going to spend the whole time doing that.
And I realize that people might find it easier just not to invite us places. Who really wants their day/party/event ruined by a shrieking, flapping, spinning child? Or a daredevil child that has no fear? Or an almost 6 year old who is scared of everything and suffers anxiety? I understand that it's probably just a lot easier for us to just stay home.
I really do.
I'm also aware that I turn every conversation into a therapy session. I know I do it. But this is my whole world. This has been my world for nearly 7 years. I'm pretty sure that I used to have a life outside of this, but I can't quite remember what it was. I know that I can be an emotionally exhausting person to be around. I know that.
And I also know that unless you're going through it or have been through it then it's really hard to understand.
Do you realize that pretty much not a single person in my real life has asked how we're doing? No one has called up and said, "Hey, I don't have a clue what you're going through, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you."
People don't know how to act around us. They don't know what to say. And most think it's a parenting issue - a discipline issue - and think we should get out the belt and quit whining.
Can't you see why I don't want to blog anymore?
I just don't know what to blog about. I don't want to blog about what's going on and be made to feel vulnerable and exposed when most people think it's our fault anyway.
And then it seems really stupid to blog about nonsense stuff when the truth is that we're really hurting right now. This RAD stuff is kicking our butt. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. Sim and I will look at each other at night and just think, "How the hell are we going to get through this?"
It is frightening to realize that your child's future depends on whether you have the patience, resources, money, and energy to help them get through it.
That's a powerful burden to bear.
And it's easy to say give it to God. That God has his own special plan for our children. And that's true. But I don't think God wants us to sit on our butt and not do anything.
The problem is that we don't know what He wants us to do. And what if it's not His plan for my kids to heal? Do you understand that RAD kids are the ones who can kill? Who can easily end up in gangs? Who get institutionalized? Who end up in jail?
Do you have any idea what it's like to live with that?
It's hard to enjoy the moment of the day when you are scared to death of the future.
I don't know. I've blogged way to much. Spouted out more than I even wanted to and now I feel really vulnerable and foolish and exposed.
I hate to lump RAD in with mental illness (but it is sorta the same thing), but I've often read that living with someone who has mental illness is the hardest thing in the world to do because people just don't understand. It is so misunderstood.
By the time you read this, I'll be feeling a lot better. Actually, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off me because I've really wanted to say all this for a long time and I really didn't know how.
I'm hoping that this blog post will break the proverbial ice and I'll be able to write again.
And despite how this post sounds, I'm really trying to stay and positive and see the good things that are happening. They're few and far between.... but they're happening.
I just feel, though, that I really needed to get this out. I really just needed... to say it. That's all.