When it rains.....
I'm still here! Just going through a bunch of stuff lately.
We are embarking on a new dietary lifestyle after finding out that Noah is riddled with yeast and fungus (fungi?). Thought that chapter of our lives was closed ages ago, so I've spent the past week digging out all my old books and staying up late with Google.
I'll write more about it as soon as I can do so without hyperventilating.
Plus, I've rediscovered my intense love for my food processor (it rivals my intense love for my Dyson vacuum cleaner) and have spent the last few days with my head stuck in bowls and bowls full of pico de gallo.
I stink. I mean really stink. Like, garlic is pouring from every pore of my body.
I'm remaining in hiding until this passes.
Oh! And I got offered a job. Yep. It took me 4 1/2 years to come to grips with being a stay-at-home mom. Seriously, 4 1/2 years I have fought this. For 4 1/2 years I've felt trapped. I've felt like I was no good at staying at home. I felt like I wasn't a good mom. I should work and Sim should stay home. I missed my job. I was good at my job. I was a career person. Blah Blah Blah.
The day I turn to Sim and say, "Hey, you know what? I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I LOVE homeschooling. For the first time, I am so at peace with this and can't imagine doing anything else. I am HAPPY, HAPPY, and HAPPY"...... well, you know what happened?
My old job called and asked me to come back.
They need me.
*#$#%)$%$)&$!!!!!!
Funny how things work, isn't it?
And then we get struck with the Candida and Fungus nightmare and the endless hours of researching and cooking and refiguring what we should be doing with Noah....
And wouldn't it be so easy to just escape all that and put Noah back in school and go back to work so that I could earn money to do the things we need to do with him?
And then I read two autism books about kids recovering and it brought back all the guilt I've been feeling right back to the surface. And I realized, "Crap. It's too late for Noah. It's too late.
This is it. This is how it's going to be. Forever."
And all I wanted to do was to go back to work, put the kids in school, and go back to how things were before.
But you can't go back. Ever.
Especially when God shows you what you need to be doing. And you can call me a quackpot or a nutso or whatever, but I know I'm where God wants me to be. Doing what He wants me to do.
But isn't it funny that when Satan sees a way in that he'll just blow the door wide open? He just busts on through. It's like he finds that wound in your heat and sticks his finger in and just twists.
"You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough. It'll never get better...."
He gets us when we're vulnerable.
So, as you can see, it's been a rough week. I've spent a lot of time soul searching.
I'm turning down the job. I'm resuming homeschooling this week. And I'm about to make some sugar-free zucchini muffins for breakfast this morning.
And then I'm going to scoop my kids up, give them big wet smooches and tell them how proud I am that God chose me to be their mother.
And I'm going to take it one step at a time.
And this is just a season we're passing through.
It will get better.
And Rome wasn't built in a day.
We are embarking on a new dietary lifestyle after finding out that Noah is riddled with yeast and fungus (fungi?). Thought that chapter of our lives was closed ages ago, so I've spent the past week digging out all my old books and staying up late with Google.
I'll write more about it as soon as I can do so without hyperventilating.
Plus, I've rediscovered my intense love for my food processor (it rivals my intense love for my Dyson vacuum cleaner) and have spent the last few days with my head stuck in bowls and bowls full of pico de gallo.
I stink. I mean really stink. Like, garlic is pouring from every pore of my body.
I'm remaining in hiding until this passes.
Oh! And I got offered a job. Yep. It took me 4 1/2 years to come to grips with being a stay-at-home mom. Seriously, 4 1/2 years I have fought this. For 4 1/2 years I've felt trapped. I've felt like I was no good at staying at home. I felt like I wasn't a good mom. I should work and Sim should stay home. I missed my job. I was good at my job. I was a career person. Blah Blah Blah.
The day I turn to Sim and say, "Hey, you know what? I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I LOVE homeschooling. For the first time, I am so at peace with this and can't imagine doing anything else. I am HAPPY, HAPPY, and HAPPY"...... well, you know what happened?
My old job called and asked me to come back.
They need me.
*#$#%)$%$)&$!!!!!!
Funny how things work, isn't it?
And then we get struck with the Candida and Fungus nightmare and the endless hours of researching and cooking and refiguring what we should be doing with Noah....
And wouldn't it be so easy to just escape all that and put Noah back in school and go back to work so that I could earn money to do the things we need to do with him?
And then I read two autism books about kids recovering and it brought back all the guilt I've been feeling right back to the surface. And I realized, "Crap. It's too late for Noah. It's too late.
This is it. This is how it's going to be. Forever."
And all I wanted to do was to go back to work, put the kids in school, and go back to how things were before.
But you can't go back. Ever.
Especially when God shows you what you need to be doing. And you can call me a quackpot or a nutso or whatever, but I know I'm where God wants me to be. Doing what He wants me to do.
But isn't it funny that when Satan sees a way in that he'll just blow the door wide open? He just busts on through. It's like he finds that wound in your heat and sticks his finger in and just twists.
"You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough. It'll never get better...."
He gets us when we're vulnerable.
So, as you can see, it's been a rough week. I've spent a lot of time soul searching.
I'm turning down the job. I'm resuming homeschooling this week. And I'm about to make some sugar-free zucchini muffins for breakfast this morning.
And then I'm going to scoop my kids up, give them big wet smooches and tell them how proud I am that God chose me to be their mother.
And I'm going to take it one step at a time.
And this is just a season we're passing through.
It will get better.
And Rome wasn't built in a day.
Comments
You ARE exactly where you need to be, and those kids are so blessed to have you as their mom. I am always amazed by you and your strength and your commitment to making sure your kids are the healthiest and strongest and best they can be. You inspire me!
I quit because Noah was in 30+ hours of therapy. He started it at 19 months and I was certain that he would recover by the time he was 3. My plan was to give 210% to Noah's autism therapy and then go back to work when he was "cured". Needless to say, that plan didn't work...
It's been hard to read about other kids having success when we've done the EXACT same things and MORE. Has stirred up a ton of emotions - including, ahem, bitterness. I really need to deal with all of this.
But it's also given me the kick in my pants that I need to get back on track with a few things. We have all the ABA, Floortime, and RDI books gathering dust on our bookshelves. It certainly won't hurt to incorporate a few of those techniques to go along with some of the things that we're currently doing.
Thanks for the ego boost. Btw, the second book is awesome!
Had to grieve this week that we may never reach "normal" - ever.
Like never, ever.
And there's still hope. And there's still time. Cause they're all still breathing.
Still.
Maybe.
Never.
Wish I was there. We could lock ourselves in the bathroom and eat Ben & Jerry's and watch chick flicks on a portable DVD player.
And, yeah, we are connected someway. Afer all, we are on the same cycle. lol
Hope this week's better than last!
I am so glad that God knows where we are supposed to be and when. I am in the opposite boat right now. I desperately want to be a stay at home mom...but here I am working, in a job I like, but don't feel at peace at, and with no children. How does that work. I love that God tells us that if we seek him He will give us the desires of our heart...it's the seeking him that's the hard part.
Blessings...and warmth. :)
-Hannah