NOT Me! Monday

Mckmama over at My Charming Kids usually does "I did NOT do that" Mondays - where she gives a review of all the things she did "not" do during the week.

They crack me up.

The Riggs did one today, too. Click on the "Praying for Abby" link on my sidebar to read what they had to say.

Anyway, thought I'd join in. After all, we should all have the ability to laugh at ourselves.

So... here's my list of "I did NOT do's......"
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I did NOT spend the entire week eating raw onions and garlic and then, in gastrointestinal distress, accidentally pass gas at the dinner table and blame it on my 7 year old nonverbal child with autism… knowing full well that he could not defend himself.

I did NOT do that.

And I did NOT just mention on this blog that I accidentally passed gas and blamed it on my child because that would not only be unladylike, but also indicate that I’m a bad mom.

I also did NOT blame it on the dog when we were sitting on the couch watching American Idol.

And I did NOT just mention on this blog that I did that.

I also did NOT go into the kitchen to make zucchini muffins and grate up an entire cucumber before I realized the difference.

And I did NOT look at the crumbs on my kitchen floor and call my dog over to eat them up.

And I did NOT throw away my daughter’s lipgloss because it made her look like a 12 year old and not a 4 year old.

I did NOT buy my son a one dollar clearance dinosaur at Walmart and then drive by the bank on the way home and throw it in the dumpster because he was being ungrateful.

And when my son said “I hate you and Daddy’s going to be mad at you and hit you on the head and make you crawl into that dumpster to get my dinosaur…” I did NOT say, “No, Daddy’s going to hi-five me and then smack your ass.”

I did NOT say the word “ass” in front of my child.

And I did NOT tell the whole world that I just used the word “ass” in front of my child.

Because that would be bad. Very bad.

And I would NOT do that.

I also did NOT entertain the thought of going back to work outside of the home just so that I could go clothes shopping.

I also did NOT buy my 5 year old son a purple flowered apron at the local Mennonite store and then buy him blue shark gummies to appease him.

He also did NOT have bright green poop after eating them.

I am also NOT jealous that my husband and above mentioned five year old are about to go to England and Wales for two weeks while I stay here with my other two kids.

I am so NOT jealous. NOT even a teensy, eensy little bit. Nope. NOT me.

I also did NOT give my husband a list of my favorite chocolates to bring back with him (Crunchie bars, anyone?) and did NOT threaten him with his life if he eats them all on the plane.

I also did NOT arrange to meet an old high school friend who I’ve not seen in 12 years at Ikea in a few weeks. And I did NOT specifically mention that it had to be when my husband was in England so that I could buy whatever I wanted.

I did NOT do that.

And finally, I did NOT throw a package of mini marshmallows and toothpicks on the table and instruct my younger two kids to make geometrical figures just because I knew it would occupy their time while I type this out.
I did NOT do this because I know that my four year old would just eat the marshmallows and then get a sugar high.

I did NOT tell myself, “Awww, who cares. It’ll wear off.”

Nope. Not me.