You're All Invited to My Pity Party
I've been in a funk lately. I'm not sure why. We are still dealing with lice. I thought we had it under control and discovered that it's alive and kicking beneath the mass of Nandu's hair.
We haven't been to church in two weeks. We haven't been to Lifegroup. We are banned from participating in Buddy League Baseball (for kids with special needs) until Nandini's lice goes away - even though she's not playing and will just sit in the stands with me.
And, on top of it all, I just feel like a crappy mother.
Do you ever get that way?
When we started homeschooling, I would read all these blogs of other homeschooling families to get ideas. Now, I just don't even want to read them because they depress the life out of me.
There's a particular blog of a lady who lives up north. I swear she must be June Cleaver. She is perfect. Everything's all perfect and pristine. She has "Tea & Cake" days and does all sorts of arts and crafts. Her kids go to aquarium school. She even has a kid with autism. Yet, somehow, she has her act together. She's mentioned that she wants her blog to be a warm, inviting place for readers to sit down and have a cup of tea... but when I visit it..all I feel is stressed out. I read her blog and then look around my house and think, "Wow, my kids are really screwed".
And then I start questioning God's wisdom. Like, what was He possibly thinking by cursing my kids with me as a mom? They totally deserve someone warm and inviting who makes them date raisin cake and hot cocoa. Someone who likes to go on nature walks and knows the name of every North American bird. Someone who can make dresses out of sackcloth and knit sweaters and socks - and who actually enjoys it.
Instead they got me. And, yes, I am throwing one big pity party for myself.
I have been so lost ever since I became a stay at home mom. Or should I say.. stay at home, homeschooling mom. I have NO routine. Noah doesn't have to be at school at 7:45 and picked up at 12:30. And now that we don't have television, there's no TV to remind me that As the World Turns comes on in 30 minutes... so, oops, it's lunch time. There's no Take Home Chef to remind me that it's time to cook dinner. But somehow, Sim isn't buying this as a reason to spend $60 on DirecTV each month.
But, my goodness, the kid must be bored to death.
We haven't been to church in two weeks. We haven't been to Lifegroup. We are banned from participating in Buddy League Baseball (for kids with special needs) until Nandini's lice goes away - even though she's not playing and will just sit in the stands with me.
And, on top of it all, I just feel like a crappy mother.
Do you ever get that way?
When we started homeschooling, I would read all these blogs of other homeschooling families to get ideas. Now, I just don't even want to read them because they depress the life out of me.
There's a particular blog of a lady who lives up north. I swear she must be June Cleaver. She is perfect. Everything's all perfect and pristine. She has "Tea & Cake" days and does all sorts of arts and crafts. Her kids go to aquarium school. She even has a kid with autism. Yet, somehow, she has her act together. She's mentioned that she wants her blog to be a warm, inviting place for readers to sit down and have a cup of tea... but when I visit it..all I feel is stressed out. I read her blog and then look around my house and think, "Wow, my kids are really screwed".
And then I start questioning God's wisdom. Like, what was He possibly thinking by cursing my kids with me as a mom? They totally deserve someone warm and inviting who makes them date raisin cake and hot cocoa. Someone who likes to go on nature walks and knows the name of every North American bird. Someone who can make dresses out of sackcloth and knit sweaters and socks - and who actually enjoys it.
Instead they got me. And, yes, I am throwing one big pity party for myself.
Party at Leslie's!!! Free chips and salsa for all!!
I have been so lost ever since I became a stay at home mom. Or should I say.. stay at home, homeschooling mom. I have NO routine. Noah doesn't have to be at school at 7:45 and picked up at 12:30. And now that we don't have television, there's no TV to remind me that As the World Turns comes on in 30 minutes... so, oops, it's lunch time. There's no Take Home Chef to remind me that it's time to cook dinner. But somehow, Sim isn't buying this as a reason to spend $60 on DirecTV each month.
And to top it off, Noah is up by 4:00 every morning. Then he falls asleep the moment Eli wakes up at 6:30. I think he does it just to tick me off. Then it's snack time by the time Noah wakes up. And, of course, he doesn't want breakfast if the others are having a snack. Then, I really should be teaching him when the other two crash out for a nap. But by then I'm so tired that I just veg out... which is very easy to do when you have a child who likes to sit around all day and who demands no attention. And then I feel guilty... which is like a cancer. It will eat and eat at you and make you feel like the most horrible person on earth.
While June Cleaver up north is teaching her 8 year old Science that is aimed at 12th graders, I'm lucky if I remember to cut the kids' nails once a week. I usually only remember after one of them scratches another and leaves claw marks down the side of their face/arm/back.
I am trying really, really hard. But today - or should I say. the past few days - I've just been wondering if God made a mistake. I feel like I'm going to fail my kids. I can't control Nandini's lice. I can't make her keep her leg brace on. Eli doesn't respect me and I can't help him control his temper. Heck, I can't even teach the stupid alphabet. How can a 4 1/2 year old NOT know the alphabet? I take Noah to Austin every 2 weeks, but then get busy at home and don't work with him. He has the potential to be a great mathematician or a scientist or a writer.. but it all rest with me. It all rests with me teaching him. And I suck at it. I really do. But I know that without a shadow of a doubt that God told me to homeschool Noah. I will go to my grave knowing that. And, really, he's learned some things and he's able to sleep in and things aren't so rushed.
But, my goodness, the kid must be bored to death.
I can't even believe I'm going to push the "Publish Post" button on this blog post. Just please excuse me or ignore me while I have a pity party for myself. It's just been one of those weeks.
Hey wait. It's only Monday. Ah, man. That's depressed me even more.
All I can say is that blogging is cheaper than therapy. And one of these days, hopefully, I'll look back at this post.. you know, when my kids have graduated from Harvard at age 18 and won the Nobel Peace Prize at 20 and just laugh and laugh about how foolish I was.
Or at least I can dream about that.
Comments
I will tell you a little secret, but you have to promise NOT to spread it to others: it really does get a bit easier the older the kids get.
Now, if you go telling the mothers of the older kids that I said that, I'll deny it to the end!!
When my kids were ALL younger (which yours are, sans Noah - ummm - let's remember - the one with autism!!!), I would read about these other mothers and all they would do. I hated them. By the time I had changed diapers and fixed food, I was wiped out. That was as good as it was going to get.
Ya' know what? Those younger two are going to grow. They are going to become more independent. They are going to free you up from some of those mundane chores that seem to fill every single solitary second of your day. You'll be able to do some other things ... one day.
Right now, do not apologize or feel an ounce of guilt. You are spending your entire day nurturing your children. Do you have any idea how unbelievably valuable that is to them - for a lifetime?? Just nurture them. Care for their needs. Care for your needs. THAT is what everyone needs. They'll grow and change, and things will look different one day, but not now. And that's okay. That's perfect.
Alphabet at 4 1/2? What? Are ya' kidding me?? Presh can SING the alphabet. That's it. Today, she recognized the letter "B" and we all flipped OUT! She's five.
Her sister knew the alphabet at three. She could type her name on the computer at three! Presh is not her sister. She'll learn it - eventually.
When my kids were younger, sometimes my greatest feat was to actually get us out of the house to do something and come back. I would really feel like I had accomplished something ... because it didn't happen often!
Are you feeling better, or should I keep going? Need a picture of what my living room looks like right now? Would that help? :)
Don't forget that our blogs can portray whatever we want them to - I know that I tend to blog more when I'm feeling great - and not so much when I'm barely keeping it together. So maybe Supermom is the same and you just don't hear about the bad days because she doesn't have time to sit down and blog them.
You are an awesome mom - your love for your little ones shines in every post. You know that I keep coming back here for that. And, because you let us see the skeletons in your closet.
Now, go sit down, put your feet up, take one of Christines chill pills (maybe two!) and add a little chaser of chocolate mama - you deserve it!
oh - and your kids are not going to go through life not knowing the alphabet(or the multiplication tables or whatever else!). It makes no difference if they learn it today, or in two years...
Life as a mother is hard!!! And everyone of us questions our parenting skills on a daily basis but remember one thing, every time you post a picture of your children they are smiling from ear to ear from all the love and fun in their lives and they love you just for being their Mom!! Take care of yourself and enjoy your party, tomorrow will be better.
Hugs
Michelle
Today I was awakened by the four year old who peed in the bed AGAIN. I admit, I pretended I was still sleeping and Dad got up and changed him and then put him in bed with me. {{gasp!}}
I slept as long as I could and then drug myself out of bed in order to obsess over the fact that our computer crashed and it would prevent me from blogging. {{double gasp!!}}
First order of business was to wash towels because they were ALL dirty. Next order of business, wash dishes because both sides of the sink were filled as well as the counter due to no washing done the previous day. I also reallllly needed a cup of coffee and couldn't wash out the coffee pot until I first cleared the sink to get to the faucet. {{yuck}}
After that, start more testing on the broken computer.
Then the "angels" begin waking.
Breakfast and Bible lesson started off good, but rapidly progressed into distraction and the boys leaving the table at every turn of the minute. Bible lesson was terminated, undone and without prayer....not exactly what I had in mind.
On to LArts and Math...spent the next 6 HOURS trying to get the six year old to get his work done. We are in Homeschool Meltdown these past weeks and seem to have to start every day with a spanking. He pops off at me, whines, complains....definately not the most enjoyable part of education.
The preschooler got no schooling today,and he's the one who actually enjoys it.
At about 5:30, I go outside to see one of the boys ride his bike and notice the local computer techie driving by, so I run outside waving my arms like a crazy woman and flag him to our driveway.
It was only then that I realize I am standing there, no makeup, hair hardly brushed, in the shorts and t-shirt I SLEPT in and hairy legs!!! {{{Ahhhhh!!!}}
I could have died.
I know, my reputation is RUINED.
But now you know that you are my friend because I would only admit all of this to the worldwide web for you!!
May we all have bad days on opposite days so that we can spend the rest of our lives lifting up one another!!
By the way....Mike and Dreama sent a laptop for me to borrow {{whew!!}} (and thanks!), we did finish ONE thing in school, and the computer techie said that he would schedule us in. God is still good!!
Miss ya,
julie
I don't know what you are worried about...I dropped in on you out of no where this afternoon and your house was a picture of peace. You are God's blessing to your children and they will someday grow up and tell you so. Relax and enjoy them being young...it will be over in a blink ( and then you will be wishing that they were little again,or you will be enjoying the meal that Nandini has cooked for you...Laurel's pozole was fantastic tonight!)
Christine is right...it does get easier...but I miss them being little and needing me to pour their milk and tie their shoes, etc. (i thought that I'd never say that!!)
I am not a homeschooler, in part, because I am COMPLETELY without patience. We're lucky to get through homework without a battle and I'm thrilled that my 12 year old now does her homework without me. No more struggling with Algebra concepts that are WAY past me. So I truly admire whatever you get done at home with your 3!
Last weekend, we finally bought M a bike. She'd never ridden one, but training wheels don't come on her size bike. Within 10 minutes, I was losing it. Her older sister stepped in and calmly worked with her. Yesterday, as I was out collecting sap from our maple trees, I heard joyous screaming. When I got to our cul de sac, there M was, peddaling away.
This story has two messages:
1. Things DO get better as your kids get older. I was so proud of the girls for figuring out how to work together on that project.
2. I am learning to let go of the things I cannot control. I sent them out to practice knowing M would make better progress without me. Part of me feels bad about the fact that I wasn't the one to teach her how to ride the bike, but heck, she learned, so I should be happy, right? And I am!
Oh, Glory, Leslie, my kids would KILL me if I made them eat raisin date cake.
I tell you, we mom's NOT baking raisin date cake are the GOOD moms!
YOU are a great mom! I could never take on the things you have and keep my sense of humor in the process. Your kids are SO lucky to have a FUNNY mom.
Hang in there kiddo, this too shall pass.
Blessings,
Sandwich
On a side note, we dealt with chronic lice with our daughter in the fall. The only thing that really helped is to do the treatments 3 times in a row like 6 days apart and to manually remove nits with my fingers. The lice combs (even the metal ones) couldn't get them as good as I could. And I really tried (not always successfully) to wash her pillowcase/sheets daily. It was VERY stressful and I feel for you.
I have seasons too where I need to stay away from "inspiring" blogs of women who are too perfect and give us the glimpses of their angels never fighting, always obeying, beautiful homes, creative energy, etc. I love those blogs but can also feel a tremendous sense of inadequacy and unrealistic expectations of myself...which then leads to depression. You are doing GREAT, mama! Hang in there!
Tracy