I Am No Jenny McCarthy

Now, I imagine from the title that you think this post is going to be about autism. And, honestly, I can't blame you.

After all, Jenny McCarthy is a huge autism advocate.. and it IS National Autism Awareness Month.. and I have YET to blog about it...

And really, Jenny McCarthy and I have a lot in common, don't we?

She's a mom on a mission..... I'm a mom on a mission.

She was told her son has autism..... I was told my son has autism.

She lives with a man who makes her laugh..... I live with a man who makes me laugh.

She has big boobs... I wish I had big boobs.

Honestly, it's beyond me why someone hasn't stopped me on the street yet and asked if I was Jenny McCarthy's long lost twin.

But, nope, this blog has nothing to do with autism...

It has everything to do with this...

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This is Jenny McCarthy on the recent cover of Shape magazine. Now, I ended my subscription to Shape a few years ago after I realized that I was doing myself no good by reading the magazine in bed while eating a bowl of Ben & Jerry's.

And, of course, the B&J won.

But when I was in Walmart the other day stuck in line behind the sloooooowest cashier this side of Christmas, I had no choice but to let my eyes wonder over to the magazine stand and witness Jenny McCarthy in a red bathing suit on the cover of Shape magazine.

Now, it wasn't just her in all of her perfect ab glory that made me pick up the magazine and buy it. Nope.

It was the headline next to her in all her ab glory that did it...

"I used to weigh 200 pounds".

What? Really? No way!? Are you kidding? You mean there's hope for real women like me???

I mean, she's a mom, an autism advocate, an author, an actress....busier than a beaver... and she still has time to look like that?

Heck, yeah, I wanted in on her secret. So I plunked down my $4.99 and boogied on out of there.

So, you want to know how she managed to get down from 200 to smokin' hot?

YOGA.

Crap.

Can I say crap on this blog? 'Cuz I'm gonna say it again.

Crap.

I hate yoga. HATE IT.

Who can stand still and deep breathe and clear their mind for 60 minutes when there's just so much stuff that needs to be done? Clearing my mind just frustrates me.

But, yep, that's how she did it.

So, anyway, I thought I'd analyze those yoga poses and see if they're really all they're cracked up to be.

Picture #1: The I Need to Go to the Bathroom in a Public Toilet Pose (aka: The Hover & Pee)

This is where I quickly realized that I am no Jenny McCarthy..... because Jenny McCarthy has kneecaps made of steel.

I may very well need surgery after attempting this pose. Try it. I dare you.

How on earth is this even possible? Tippy-toes and her thighs are parallel to the ground. Huh? I think you have to have long legs to do this. I've got, like, a 29" inseam (5'6 and a 29" inseam. Oh let me tell ya, my body shape = hot). When I try to squat like this, my butt is practically touching the floor. I should just sit down. And my knees, oh my knees!

Moving on...

Picture #2: The Please, Please Don't Let Me Wee on Myself Pose

Okay, I don't understand how this is yoga because I have seen my 4 year old do this a million times. In fact, I perfected this pose when I had to stand in an enormous long bathroom line during Lollapallooza '92.

I can actually do this one. Not.A.Problem.

Picture #3: The I Was A Cheerleader in High School - Na Na Na Boo Boo Pose

Yeah, we get it. You were always on top of the pyramid and now you're just showing off for those of us who can no longer fit into our cheerleading skirts and were usually on base.

Actually, you know what this pose really tells me? It confirms my suspicion that Jenny McCarthy is not human. Beauty, Brains, Body, Humor, Talent and she's as flexible as a "14" year old Chinese gymnast? She is not real.

This one-legged, look-at-me pose just lets the world know that Jenny McCarthy, in fact, was birthed by a flamingo.


Picture #4: The It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's SuperJenny! Pose

I have nothing to say about this one. I can't do it either. My kneecaps are still reeling from Pose #1.

Picture #5: The This is So Obviously Photoshopped Pose



I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have attempted this pose. It is impossible. How does she get her foot to rest that high on her thigh?

Try it. If you can do this, please let me know. Don't be surprised, though, if you wake up the next morning and find that your house has been egged and TP'ed.

You know what I think? There's three possibilities:

1. She's either got some massive velcro attaching that foot to her thigh

2. 17 people held her in that pose and then quickly ran out of sight when the photographer said, "Cheese!"

or

3. 17 people held her in that pose and then were photoshopped out of the picture in order for it to run in Shape magazine.

My self-esteem votes for #3.

And, finally...

Picture #6: The Kids Are All Asleep, The Day is Over, and I'm Going to Lay on the Floor and Collapse Pose

I actually totally love this pose. I do it all the time. In fact, a rubber ball rolled under the couch this morning and I had to do this exact same yoga move to get it out.

It also comes in handy when you're looking for spare change under the couch or when an M&M rolls under the fridge.

Can't waste those M&M's can we?

So, there we go. Jenny McCarthy used to weigh 200 pounds. She now has a rockin' body with amazing abs. Her kneecaps are like the Bionic Woman's. She might make the 2012 Olympic Gymnastics Team. And her lineage includes "flamingo".

As much as I would love to say I am... unfortunately, I am no Jenny McCarthy.

Now, if short-legged, long-waisted, bad knee-ing, REAL women are your cup of tea, then I'm your gal. :-)

P.S. Please know this is not a diss on JM. I adore her. In fact, she's my girl crush. She is also my autism momma hero. I have read all of her books (including the pregnancy ones - just for laughs. Which then made me thankful that I've never been pregnant). And I think she has done wonders for autism awareness.

But Jenny..... we're on to you. ;-)