Discipline and Attachment
Yesterday, I blogged about some of the issues we've been facing with Nandini, and I thought I would try to explain a little bit more about it.
Someone asked if Nandini has attachment issues. Well, the truth is, we don't know. I guess if you look at everything carefully and gave it a clinical definition, then, yes, she would probably fall on an attachment disorder spectrum. At the same time, though, we do believe she has truly bonded with us.
For those of you who kept up with our adoption journey when we were in India last November, you might recall that Nandini grieved heavily when we took her away from BSSK (her orphanage). Although it was really hard at the time, deep down, I was relieved because it meant that she had formed a bond with her caregivers. And I think one of the greatest fears in adoption is that you'll adopt a child who was so neglected early in life that they aren't able to form attachments.
However, even though Nandini has bonded, she has experienced a lot of losses in her life. The loss of her birthmother. The loss of her caregiver from the first orphanage she was in. The loss of her caregiver from the second orphanage she was in. And then she was moved to a new country, with a new language, and a new caregiver. All of this happened in her first three years. How is she to know that she's not going to move again? Or that we won't abandon her. Because she doesn't understand adoption. We have no idea what she thinks about leaving India - or why she thinks it happened. To a 3 year old, she could very well think it was because she was bad or because they didn't love her anymore. How can she trust that it won't happen again?
Sometimes, I think that's why she tests us so much... to see what we're going to do. Now, some of you may think that there's no way a 3 year old could have that sort of thought process, but we really have no idea what all has happened to her or what she really thinks about it. All we know is that she's gone through 3 significant (that we know of) losses in her short life and that she has every right not to trust us.
The thing is... we know she trusts us, but she guards her heart. She is like a lightswitch - she can turn her emotions on and off like a switch. She can completely shut down if she needs to. In the beginning, if she did something wrong or was told no or got into trouble for hitting, she would shut down - as if to protect herself. You know, it doesn't hurt if you don't let yourself care. Well, now, when she gets in trouble, she lashes out and spits at us or bites us or hits us. That, to us, is actually an improvement.
We look at in stages. The first stage was where she shut down emotionally. She didn't want to get too close to us because she didn't know us. She didn't trust us. She was terribly independent and didn't want our help for ANYTHING. Now, though, she's learned to depend on us - know that we're there and care for her - and she's becoming dependent on us, too. That's the second stage. Now, she's testing us to see how much she can trust us. Will we give her back if she pokes at the dog's eyes? Will we give her away if she throws food all over the place. This is a very trying stage for us. This is where we have to be very consistent with our discipline and be very structured about it. She has to learn right from wrong.
Yesterday, she bit me on the butt. For no reason. She thought it was funny. But I don't care - even if she was playing around. She has to learn that you CAN NOT bite people. So I put her on the couch in time-out. Set out our little visual timer on the coffee table so she could see.... and every time she got off the couch, crawled under the couch, ripped at the couch cushions with her teeth (Sim's prized leather sofa - hmmm... maybe I should put her in time-out on the old couch that we got at a garage sale. Not exactly smart thinking on my part), every time she spit at me or sang ABC's (looonnng story, but she uses the ABC song as a button pusher. Like I said, looooong story, but trust me on this one), she got an extra minute.
She was in time-out for FORTY-TWO MINUTES!! The last 15 I caved in and let her have her blankey because otherwise I thought she'd never get out. The blankey calmed her down and she sat quietly, sucking on it, for the last 15 minutes.
So, you might be wondering... why didn't I just bust her butt and be done with it??? That's what my dad said when I retold the story. Well, because busting the butt of a hurt child who is learning to trust you and who has to be in control is not the best decision. At least not in our case.
Now, I was raised in one of those - pull your pants down, bend over, here's the belt - kind of households. I refuse to do that to my kids. It's humiliating. I don't care how effective it is (and honestly, it was effective for my brother, but not for me. It just ended up pissing me off even more), it is humiliating and stays with you for life. I'm not going do that.
I'm not judging anyone or saying anything about anybody else. But for Nandini - it DOES NOT WORK. I don't care what other people do - I'm not judging anyone - but it is not effective with Nandini.
Here's why. First of all, Nandini likes to be in control. And I'm not a spanker. I am, however, a bit like a volcano and can erupt if something happens over and over again. Nandini, being a control freak, is the type of girl who will refuse to cry. She may experience remorse over something she's done, but if you spank her, she won't cry. She's not going to let you see her cry. She won't let you know that you got to her. Actually, Nandi is the spitting image of me at that age. And, what I've found, from being raised in a family that spanked, you can easily loose your temper with a strong-willed child. And if you spank a child who won't cry and you have a temper and you spank until the child cries, you will end up spanking too hard. And, in my opinion, that's how child abuse starts.
I am not going to do that.
Again, I don't care what any of you choose to do in your house. I promise that I am not judging anyone. But I don't think spanking is an effective method for emotionally hurt children. We have seen that it does not work, so we don't do it.
And let me just talk quickly about "Spare the rod, spoil the child". I am a Christian. I don't hide that. But I think there is a difference between discipline and spanking/hitting. I don't think that Jesus - loving, gentle sweet Jesus who turned the other cheek, who loved all the children - would want me to hit Nandini.
There I said it.
Again, I'm not judging. I promise that. I'm just talking about our special and unique situation. And I don't think "Spare the Rod" applies. If it does, I hope God will understand.
Okay, enought of that..... So, what do we do? I don't know. We're trying to figure it out. The time-out method has been working pretty good. Just letting the kids know that we're not joking around - that we're serious - has made a major impact. Yesterday, Eli hit Nandi and was in time-out for 4 minutes. He thought we were joking and kept getting off the couch. By the time he realized we weren't playing around, he had earned himself an extra 18 minutes in time-out and missed his snack time.
I can guarantee the next time he's in time-out that he won't play around.
Still, though, we'd love to hear from other parents. What do you do if time-out is not appropriate? What if they do something really horrible? Like look you dead in the face, hold your favorite pottery out at arm's length, and let go... leaving it shatter into a million pieces... then stare you down to see what you're going to do?
What do you do then??
P.S. This happened a few months ago before we started our new time-out technique).
Hope to hear from some of you!
ETA: Nandini just came up and pinched Eli, so I put her in time-out for 3 minutes. Guess how long she stayed in time-out???
THREE MINUTES!!!
Who hoo!! It took days and days and lots of melt-downs and crying and tantrums, but I think it's working. We had to go through H-E-double hockey sticks to get there, but I think we "might" be there. Maybe.
Thank you, Sweet Jesus!
Leslie
Someone asked if Nandini has attachment issues. Well, the truth is, we don't know. I guess if you look at everything carefully and gave it a clinical definition, then, yes, she would probably fall on an attachment disorder spectrum. At the same time, though, we do believe she has truly bonded with us.
For those of you who kept up with our adoption journey when we were in India last November, you might recall that Nandini grieved heavily when we took her away from BSSK (her orphanage). Although it was really hard at the time, deep down, I was relieved because it meant that she had formed a bond with her caregivers. And I think one of the greatest fears in adoption is that you'll adopt a child who was so neglected early in life that they aren't able to form attachments.
However, even though Nandini has bonded, she has experienced a lot of losses in her life. The loss of her birthmother. The loss of her caregiver from the first orphanage she was in. The loss of her caregiver from the second orphanage she was in. And then she was moved to a new country, with a new language, and a new caregiver. All of this happened in her first three years. How is she to know that she's not going to move again? Or that we won't abandon her. Because she doesn't understand adoption. We have no idea what she thinks about leaving India - or why she thinks it happened. To a 3 year old, she could very well think it was because she was bad or because they didn't love her anymore. How can she trust that it won't happen again?
Sometimes, I think that's why she tests us so much... to see what we're going to do. Now, some of you may think that there's no way a 3 year old could have that sort of thought process, but we really have no idea what all has happened to her or what she really thinks about it. All we know is that she's gone through 3 significant (that we know of) losses in her short life and that she has every right not to trust us.
The thing is... we know she trusts us, but she guards her heart. She is like a lightswitch - she can turn her emotions on and off like a switch. She can completely shut down if she needs to. In the beginning, if she did something wrong or was told no or got into trouble for hitting, she would shut down - as if to protect herself. You know, it doesn't hurt if you don't let yourself care. Well, now, when she gets in trouble, she lashes out and spits at us or bites us or hits us. That, to us, is actually an improvement.
We look at in stages. The first stage was where she shut down emotionally. She didn't want to get too close to us because she didn't know us. She didn't trust us. She was terribly independent and didn't want our help for ANYTHING. Now, though, she's learned to depend on us - know that we're there and care for her - and she's becoming dependent on us, too. That's the second stage. Now, she's testing us to see how much she can trust us. Will we give her back if she pokes at the dog's eyes? Will we give her away if she throws food all over the place. This is a very trying stage for us. This is where we have to be very consistent with our discipline and be very structured about it. She has to learn right from wrong.
Yesterday, she bit me on the butt. For no reason. She thought it was funny. But I don't care - even if she was playing around. She has to learn that you CAN NOT bite people. So I put her on the couch in time-out. Set out our little visual timer on the coffee table so she could see.... and every time she got off the couch, crawled under the couch, ripped at the couch cushions with her teeth (Sim's prized leather sofa - hmmm... maybe I should put her in time-out on the old couch that we got at a garage sale. Not exactly smart thinking on my part), every time she spit at me or sang ABC's (looonnng story, but she uses the ABC song as a button pusher. Like I said, looooong story, but trust me on this one), she got an extra minute.
She was in time-out for FORTY-TWO MINUTES!! The last 15 I caved in and let her have her blankey because otherwise I thought she'd never get out. The blankey calmed her down and she sat quietly, sucking on it, for the last 15 minutes.
So, you might be wondering... why didn't I just bust her butt and be done with it??? That's what my dad said when I retold the story. Well, because busting the butt of a hurt child who is learning to trust you and who has to be in control is not the best decision. At least not in our case.
Now, I was raised in one of those - pull your pants down, bend over, here's the belt - kind of households. I refuse to do that to my kids. It's humiliating. I don't care how effective it is (and honestly, it was effective for my brother, but not for me. It just ended up pissing me off even more), it is humiliating and stays with you for life. I'm not going do that.
I'm not judging anyone or saying anything about anybody else. But for Nandini - it DOES NOT WORK. I don't care what other people do - I'm not judging anyone - but it is not effective with Nandini.
Here's why. First of all, Nandini likes to be in control. And I'm not a spanker. I am, however, a bit like a volcano and can erupt if something happens over and over again. Nandini, being a control freak, is the type of girl who will refuse to cry. She may experience remorse over something she's done, but if you spank her, she won't cry. She's not going to let you see her cry. She won't let you know that you got to her. Actually, Nandi is the spitting image of me at that age. And, what I've found, from being raised in a family that spanked, you can easily loose your temper with a strong-willed child. And if you spank a child who won't cry and you have a temper and you spank until the child cries, you will end up spanking too hard. And, in my opinion, that's how child abuse starts.
I am not going to do that.
Again, I don't care what any of you choose to do in your house. I promise that I am not judging anyone. But I don't think spanking is an effective method for emotionally hurt children. We have seen that it does not work, so we don't do it.
And let me just talk quickly about "Spare the rod, spoil the child". I am a Christian. I don't hide that. But I think there is a difference between discipline and spanking/hitting. I don't think that Jesus - loving, gentle sweet Jesus who turned the other cheek, who loved all the children - would want me to hit Nandini.
There I said it.
Again, I'm not judging. I promise that. I'm just talking about our special and unique situation. And I don't think "Spare the Rod" applies. If it does, I hope God will understand.
Okay, enought of that..... So, what do we do? I don't know. We're trying to figure it out. The time-out method has been working pretty good. Just letting the kids know that we're not joking around - that we're serious - has made a major impact. Yesterday, Eli hit Nandi and was in time-out for 4 minutes. He thought we were joking and kept getting off the couch. By the time he realized we weren't playing around, he had earned himself an extra 18 minutes in time-out and missed his snack time.
I can guarantee the next time he's in time-out that he won't play around.
Still, though, we'd love to hear from other parents. What do you do if time-out is not appropriate? What if they do something really horrible? Like look you dead in the face, hold your favorite pottery out at arm's length, and let go... leaving it shatter into a million pieces... then stare you down to see what you're going to do?
What do you do then??
P.S. This happened a few months ago before we started our new time-out technique).
Hope to hear from some of you!
ETA: Nandini just came up and pinched Eli, so I put her in time-out for 3 minutes. Guess how long she stayed in time-out???
THREE MINUTES!!!
Who hoo!! It took days and days and lots of melt-downs and crying and tantrums, but I think it's working. We had to go through H-E-double hockey sticks to get there, but I think we "might" be there. Maybe.
Thank you, Sweet Jesus!
Leslie
Comments
Love and Logic is a wonderful approach, but with our kids who are severely damaged from trauma, neglect or abuse, you have to take it up a notch.
I'm actually seeing a glimmer of progress (and regression) with the new things we've implemented.
I take total control over food. I feed all of the kids cafeteria style. When everyone is done, you can offer your leftovers to someone else at the table. There was only two days of moaning. Not a word since. They know there will be plenty, they know it will be good (not funky) and they are learning to trust me for their food.
I've stopped asking the kids to apologize when they hurt someone with their actions or their words. Basically, telling them to apologize, you are saying, "You hurt your brother, now lie to him!" Instead, I find creative ways for them to show kindness to the person they hurt - doing a chore for them, cleaning up their room, helping with their laundry. At the age of your kids, you could make sticker charts for each child, but when someone hurts someone else, they have to put a really cool sticker on the chart of the kid they hurt!!
My five-year-old ... ya' know, the one that "only" has food allergies ... had a five minute time-in the other night that turned into a half hour meltdown.
The next day she sat in a very respectful way and waited her five minutes.
Tomorrow ... who knows??
Have you heard of strong sitting? We're doing that with all the kids, and I'm now having a few of them say, "I think I need to do a minute of strong sitting!" ha! Email me if you haven't heard of it. It might be helpful.
I also wanted to know if you feed the kids Lecithin. I am still trying to sneak it into their stuff, but make sure I get a tablespoon a day. Seems to be helping my brain. And, if Mommy can't think, nobody can think!
Well, I could go on for days. I'll shut my yapper, now.
Take care and lots of prayers,
Michelle
Blessings,
Sandwich
It sounds like you are doing the right things with your daughter.
And the crazy thing is that I'd adopt again in a heart-beat if I could. lol.
I hear ya on the time-out in the bedroom. Eli has to do time-out there because Nandi will pester him and rile him all up if he's having a "time-in" on the couch. She is such a little stinker. Adorable, though! :-)
Take care,
Leslie