Making Progress
Yesterday was actually a good day with Nandini. I only got bit twice, pinched twice, slapped once, and spit on once. I did get hit a few times, but I don't remember how many. It was significantly less than usual, though.
And THAT is called making progress.
All of this happened each time she was told "no".
No, you cannot have gummy fruits for breakfast.
No, you cannot destroy the puzzle that your brother just spent an hour putting together.
No, we do not pinch the dog's ears.
As a friend pointed out, there is a power struggle going on. Nandini wants to be Top Dog. Queen Bee. Ruler of the Roost.
And it ain't gonna happen.
So, that's really where all this comes in. She's not so much a violent child, but more of a child who does violent things to test my reaction. Every time she bites or spits or slaps me, she then looks me dead in the eyes (ah, at least there's eye contact!) and she waits for my reaction.
And I don't react.
At least not anymore. In the beginning, it infuriated me. I'd never had this happen before. I had no idea how to handle it, so the last 7 months have been major trial and error of trying to find out how to handle it. We finally realized that the best reaction with Nandi is no reaction at all.
Now, there are some times when we have to react. Such as when she threw the Bibles and Jesus tracts all over the floor at church on Saturday night. Or when she throws her food on the floor in a public place. But as for the hitting and spitting and biting... we'll, I just remove her teeth from my skin and sit her on the couch for time-out.
Consistency is the key. We've never been good at that, but we're finally realizing how important it is. Right now, she gets angry because we don't react. So, she'll bite harder, as if to say, "Hey lady, I just bit you. Aren't ya gonna do something about it?" or she'll pinch me. And if I don't react, she'll pinch harder until she practically pinches my skin off.
But it is priceless to see the look of confusion on her face when I don't react and just calmly explain that biting (or pinching) is wrong and put her on the couch for time-out.
She gets three minutes in time-out, but then gets an extra minute every time she gets off the couch or crawls under the couch and makes us drag her out or spits at us if we get too close to her or screams and shouts and bites the couch (trying to rip it), etc, etc, etc.
One session yesterday was meant to last 3 minutes and ended up being 17.
Does that give you an idea of what's going on????
We do use a really cool (albeit expensive) visual timer that we found out about in Austin. They use it with kids who have autism so that they can visually understand when the therapy sessions are up.
And at one point yesterday I heard the timer go off early. Turns out, when my back was turned, Nandini ran up to it, moved it to where there was one minute left, and then ran back and jumped on the the couch. Sigh.
We have a looooooooooong road ahead of us.
The other day, I finally brokedown and wrote about our struggles to the International Hemi-Kids list. (Nandini's brain injury caused her to have a type of cerebral palsy called Hemiplegia). Anyway, many of the parents who have children with injuries to the temporal and parietal lobes answered back and wrote that Nandi is a mini-version of their children.
Oh.My.Word.
But, at the same time, I know without a doubt that 75 - 80% of it is her testing us -because she was good as gold when my mom watched her last week while I was in Austin. And my mom said it literally changed the second Simeon would walk through the door after work.
I hope this doesn't make it sound like we're living a horrible existence and regret the decisions we've made. Not at all!! But we are having some difficulties in the behavior department. Also, since Eli is only four and doesn't have a lot of self-control skills, he reacts to Nandi's button-pushing each and every time. And it just fuels the fire.
We have a lot to work out, but if we can be consistent and firm, yet loving, and just provide her with structure (which is hard for me) and guidance (which is a bit hard - especially when we ourselves need a lot of guidance), then I think we can get through this.
At the same time, she has such a strong-will - which is great thing to have, but is also very difficult for the parents. What's a mom to do?
Any suggestions?
Leslie
And THAT is called making progress.
All of this happened each time she was told "no".
No, you cannot have gummy fruits for breakfast.
No, you cannot destroy the puzzle that your brother just spent an hour putting together.
No, we do not pinch the dog's ears.
As a friend pointed out, there is a power struggle going on. Nandini wants to be Top Dog. Queen Bee. Ruler of the Roost.
And it ain't gonna happen.
So, that's really where all this comes in. She's not so much a violent child, but more of a child who does violent things to test my reaction. Every time she bites or spits or slaps me, she then looks me dead in the eyes (ah, at least there's eye contact!) and she waits for my reaction.
And I don't react.
At least not anymore. In the beginning, it infuriated me. I'd never had this happen before. I had no idea how to handle it, so the last 7 months have been major trial and error of trying to find out how to handle it. We finally realized that the best reaction with Nandi is no reaction at all.
Now, there are some times when we have to react. Such as when she threw the Bibles and Jesus tracts all over the floor at church on Saturday night. Or when she throws her food on the floor in a public place. But as for the hitting and spitting and biting... we'll, I just remove her teeth from my skin and sit her on the couch for time-out.
Consistency is the key. We've never been good at that, but we're finally realizing how important it is. Right now, she gets angry because we don't react. So, she'll bite harder, as if to say, "Hey lady, I just bit you. Aren't ya gonna do something about it?" or she'll pinch me. And if I don't react, she'll pinch harder until she practically pinches my skin off.
But it is priceless to see the look of confusion on her face when I don't react and just calmly explain that biting (or pinching) is wrong and put her on the couch for time-out.
She gets three minutes in time-out, but then gets an extra minute every time she gets off the couch or crawls under the couch and makes us drag her out or spits at us if we get too close to her or screams and shouts and bites the couch (trying to rip it), etc, etc, etc.
One session yesterday was meant to last 3 minutes and ended up being 17.
Does that give you an idea of what's going on????
We do use a really cool (albeit expensive) visual timer that we found out about in Austin. They use it with kids who have autism so that they can visually understand when the therapy sessions are up.
And at one point yesterday I heard the timer go off early. Turns out, when my back was turned, Nandini ran up to it, moved it to where there was one minute left, and then ran back and jumped on the the couch. Sigh.
We have a looooooooooong road ahead of us.
The other day, I finally brokedown and wrote about our struggles to the International Hemi-Kids list. (Nandini's brain injury caused her to have a type of cerebral palsy called Hemiplegia). Anyway, many of the parents who have children with injuries to the temporal and parietal lobes answered back and wrote that Nandi is a mini-version of their children.
Oh.My.Word.
But, at the same time, I know without a doubt that 75 - 80% of it is her testing us -because she was good as gold when my mom watched her last week while I was in Austin. And my mom said it literally changed the second Simeon would walk through the door after work.
I hope this doesn't make it sound like we're living a horrible existence and regret the decisions we've made. Not at all!! But we are having some difficulties in the behavior department. Also, since Eli is only four and doesn't have a lot of self-control skills, he reacts to Nandi's button-pushing each and every time. And it just fuels the fire.
We have a lot to work out, but if we can be consistent and firm, yet loving, and just provide her with structure (which is hard for me) and guidance (which is a bit hard - especially when we ourselves need a lot of guidance), then I think we can get through this.
At the same time, she has such a strong-will - which is great thing to have, but is also very difficult for the parents. What's a mom to do?
Any suggestions?
Leslie
Comments
Move in with me! We could tag team.
We are starting to prepare Sunday School teachers and neighbors for the new "guidelines" for our RAD kids. These adults are having a hard time with this, because they "just don't see it." They are shocked to find out that there could be rage or manipulation or masterful lying.
"Not THEM!"
And RAD kids save even more strictly for Mom.
Ugh.
I want to live with Leslie. I need Leslie.
Hitting. Kicking. Spitting. Shoving. Pushing. (and just beginning to bite! :| )
PINCHING! I HATE PINCHING! (especially when it is my um, n***les!!!)
BUTTON PUSHING! I HATE BUTTON PUSHING. Guess what, 5 1/2 year old don't react any better to button pushing than four year olds! If I am not in the room, all I hear is "Martand! NO! NO! No! NOOOOOO! STOP! STOP IT! Martand!!!!!!!!!!!" And half the time is was an accident that caused it in the first place (3 yos are clumsy, you know, and they step on, climb on, bump heads with their brother 3 million times a day. And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Malachi has to scream at him about it.)
Yeah. Time out with a timer. It's beginning to work for us, too. Why didn't we figure this out sooner?
In the trenches with you, girlfriend.
Sandwich
Christine, we really need to get together and have a big brainstorming session. I feel for ya! It's HARD work - so rewarding - but hard nonetheless!
Leslie
christine...been there done that with a daughter that has the face of an angel. people really just dont have a clue unless they have lived it.
I'm new to your blog and have enjoyed reading. We're interested in adopting from India and so your blog has been helpful. We also have a child on the autism spectrum.
Rachey - hey! How are things going? Yup, I KNOW you know what's going on!! I should really get your tips and advice, as your situation is pretty specific. Actually, you and Christine need to get together and email - you have the EXACT same situation going on.
Leslie