Things That Get On My Nerves

I know I've only posted one blog post in the last six weeks... and here I come on with a rant (well, not a rant. More like an online therapy session), so if hearing me complain for the next ten minutes isn't your cup of tea, I apologize.

I'm pretty non confrontational and will go out of my way to avoid conflict, but there's a couple of things that have been on my mind for awhile and I thought I'd give Sim's ears a rest. So here we go...

Things That Get On My Nerves

1. People wearing scarves with tank tops.




Now, Jennifer Anist*n could give a hill of beans what I think about her wardrobe and I normally think she's spot on, but really? What drives this fashion choice? I thought maybe it was just a California thing, and you know, maybe I can kinda understand because the weather near the coast is a bit temperamental and you never know when you might get a gust of wind and need to wrap a scarf around your shoulders. But now I'm seeing people doing it in Texas. TEXAS, people. Texas!

It fascinates me. I mean, do people wake up, yawn and stretch and say, "It's 95 degrees outside. Looks like I'm going to need a tank top and a scarf today."  If it's hot enough to wear a tank top, why would you drape a scarf around your neck? I don't know about you, but when temperatures start rising, the first thing I do is throw my hair in a ponytail and get my hair off my neck. The last thing I'd want is to wrap layers of material around my neck.

Which brings me to my next point. If you live in Texas and you walk around wearing a tank top and a scarf, honey, you're just trying too hard. I'm not saying everyone needs to adopt my standard dress code of jeans that haven't been washed in 5 days, flip flops, and stretched out tank top, but for the love of all that is hot and humid, quit wearing thick scarves when it's hot outside. You're making me sweat!

2. Billboards For Strip Clubs That Have Ugly women On Them.


Courtesy of franelle.net


I'm not about to post the actual billboard I'm talking about in case by a freak chance someone who reads this blog is actually related to one of these women... or heaven forbid, is one of these women, but anyone who drives to Dallas from Mesquite via 635W  must surely know which billboard I'm referring to....

Okay, look. I'm not an expert on strippers. I hear they make good money and all and are probably really nice people. No judgement here.  And I'm totally going to see that Magic Mike movie when it comes out because my crush on Matt Bomer knows no bounds... but I think it's safe to say that except for that one time in New Orleans and KK's 19th birthday at Chippendales (where I was so embarrassed that I hid my face behind my hands the entire time) that I've never stepped foot inside a strip club.  But if I did, I'd want to make sure the women were pretty good looking.

Although maybe I'd hope they were skanky and had sagging boobs and lots of cellulite so that I could feel better about myself.... hmmmm....

But the point is, you use billboards to draw people into your business, right? So why, in Dallas, which seems to be a mecca of strip clubs, would you show two questionable women to advertise your place? I hate to think what kind of men would look at that and go, "Phwaaaar! I know what I'm doing on my lunch break!"

Let me break it down for you... the chick on the right side of the billboard has bleached hair and is chewing on her finger and looks like she comes complete with no fewer than 14 venereal diseases. And she has bad skin.  And I think she has eyeballs, but I'm not sure because they're completely rimmed in black eyeliner. And the girl on the left has black hair, but her bangs are bleached blond. What the what? She looks like a skunk with a bad dye job. Now, I'm thinking that maybe, possibly, probably not, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt, that look could've passed muster back in 1995, but in 2012?

It bothers me so much.  I have this fantasy of sneaking onto the billboard with a bucket of black paint and coloring that girl's hair in the middle of the night. And maybe putting some lipstick on the chick with VD because baby pink pearl lipstick just does nothing for her looks.

And while we're at, can Sar*h's Secret PLEASE change their billboard, too? I mean, granted it's funny, but every time I go to chop a cucumber, I imagine a little face on the end pleading with me to spare its life. I tell ya, that billboard has just about ruined cucumbers for me.

3. Eve Mendes

Because she's dating Ryan Gosling. Do I need another reason?



I hope that's not a tank top underneath that scarf ...


4. People Who Expect You to Pay for Their Adoptions



Courtesy of babyupforadoption.com


Look, this is our 4th adoption, so I know how expensive adoptions are. And let me tell you, we are not rich. 9 years of autism therapy has pretty much broke us. But we wanted to adopt one more time. And we knew it'd be a sacrifice. And we knew we'd have to borrow against retirement and put most of it on a credit card. And we knew that we might have to have some fundraisers. But we never, ever expected anyone to pay for our adoption.

Now, this is not geared towards any of my friends or anyone who reads this blog. But I've seen a disturbing trend lately where some people feel that, as Christians, we are obligated to help out with their adoption.

Let me tell you, I am the first to support adoption fundraisers. I will buy your T-shirt, bracelet, jewelry, coffee,  puzzle piece, you name it.  I love adoption and I love adoption fundraisers. But if you try to guilt trip me into donating towards your adoption by quoting Bible verses about how God demands I help you, then I'll turn and run away faster than you can say, "Show me the money!"

Also, nothing bothers me more than someone saying, "If you have extra money laying around, consider donating to our adoption so that we can continue this adoption debt free."  This a true one. I got that from someone. Excuse me? Maybe I'm just bitter because I don't have the balls to email everyone in my contact list with the audacity that they should help us complete a debt free adoption, but I think it's plain rude.

Plus, adoption is like a mortgage. You just kind of expect to be paying on it for the next 30 years.

Again, I'm not against adoption fundraisers... heck, where do you think I get all my T-shirts from? But please don't try to guilt trip me or bully me with Bible verses or I'm just gonna have to de-friend you.



5.  Bloggers Who Think Their Poop Don't Stink


Courtesy of jimbovard.com


I have a love/hate relationship with a certain set of bloggers. I find them fascinating because they always seems to have their act together and they take spectacular photos and they do things like knitting and making soap or goat milk lotion or candles. And they buy all organic food and they homeschool their kids (who all happen to be geniuses and reading on a 7th grade level at age 4). And they make stuff for dinner like quinoa salad with fresh asparagus, arugula, and radishes or something like that. And their kids actually eat it! And they never ever ever shop at big box stores and they proudly proclaim that a chicken nugget has never passed their kids mouths. And they never watch TV and their kids only play with wooden toys and they write in flowery prose that totally gets on my nerves and they never use words like totally, like, or you know.

You know?

And I can't help but think that it cannot be that perfect.  It can't, can it? And I know I should stop reading them, but in a weird way, reading those blogs and getting upset is a perfect justification for me to sit on the couch with a jar of Nutella and a spoon.

I'm a comfort eater, you know.

I think Sim wants to get one of those computer thingies that blocks certain websites and I'm certain he's going to load every blog on my google reader onto it and forever ban me from reading one more word about homemade granola.   But until then, I just can't turn away. I'm waiting for one of those bloggers to slip up one day and mention that they actually lounge around the house watching Vampire Diaries while gulping down Route 44's from Sonic all day long and screaming at their kids.

And then we'll be soul mates.

P.S. I hope you don't think I'm one of those bloggers who thinks her poop don't stink. Because I can assure you, it does.

Whew, I feel soooo better now. I'm normally not such a grouch, but I just had to get a few things off my chest.  Gosh, I love online therapy.

Next time, I'll do a list of things that rock my world. And I promise it won't be 6 more weeks until I post it!

Gotta run. PB&J. It's what's for dinner.  Or maybe chicken nuggets. I'll never tell.