A Toss to the Future

A few months after I turned twenty, I hit a crossroads in my life. I had become disillusioned with college and was being strung along in a dead end relationship that I needed to end but didn't have the strength to do so.

I needed to find a way to escape from everything. I needed excitement in my life and I needed adventure in my life.... and I needed to find a way to get out of taking mandatory Calculus in the Spring semester.

So I signed up to study abroad.

I was certain that it was going to be the start of a new me.... a single me... and just the ticket I needed to get out of taking that dreaded math class.

I wanted to leave as soon as possible, but I couldn't decide where to go. So I narrowed my choices down to England and France. Mainly because at twenty years old, the world revolved around my social life and I was pretty sure that England and France had the cutest guys on the European continent.

So much for the new and single me, eh?

I'd never been to either country.... actually, I'd never even left the continental U.S.... but in my 20 year old mind, I envisioned that the boys in England would be gorgeous rock stars with even more gorgeous accents and that the boys in France would just be plain gorgeous. Nevermind that I made a 'D' in French IV. I had learned enough to ask for the bathroom, the finest chocolates and I could certainly bat my eyelashes and call a potential amour "mon petit chou".

But in the end, I couldn't make up my mind. So I did the only thing I knew how to do...

I flipped a coin.

I figured it was a win-win situation. I'd have my excitement and my adventure and my accents... and I'd still get out of taking Calculus. So I held my breath and tossed a coin to my future.

It landed on heads and I headed to England.

And everything fell into place. And everything that happened from that coin toss led me to where I am now. After my semester abroad, I moved to England and enrolled as an international student. That experience led me to my first post-graduation job, which led me to another job, which led me to a Rotary grant that sent me to India for 5 1/2 weeks, which led us to adopt, which led me to where I am right now this very minute.

And now it's sixteen years later and I find myself back in the very same predicament that led me to that fateful coin toss when I was twenty years old.

I've become disillusioned with school and there's a cute boy who is breaking my heart. And I've got a quarter in my palm that is waiting for me to make a move.

But I'm not twenty anymore and life doesn't revolve around cute boys and trying to get out of math class. Problems can't be solved with the naivety that a coin toss brings. But I don't know what to do.

Before I became a mom, I had this fantasy view of what being a parent was really like. I envisioned Mommy & Me classes at the library and play dates at the park. I saw carpooling with the neighborhood kids in the mornings and having lunch with neighborhood moms in the afternoon. I saw karate and scouts on the weekdays and cheering on sports on the weekends.

But in all those fantasies, I never envisioned learning disabilities. Or anxiety disorders. Or irrational fears. Bullying never played into my visions of parenthood. Or a crying child begging me not to send him to school.

When you're twenty, the world revolves around you. And people tend to give you some slack because you're young and you're learning and you have to learn from your mistakes.

But when you're thirty-six and a mom, the world revolves around your kids. And people don't cut you any slack anymore. They all have opinions about what you should do and they certainly don't mind voicing them. And you're not allowed to make mistakes anymore because your decisions affect so many people.

So here I am with a coin in my hand and I'm trying to figure out what to do about the little boy who is breaking my heart. People say that kids have to learn to be their own person - that they have to learn to live in the real world. But what if the real world is scary for them? And what if they're not ready?

And what if they're only six.

If kindergarten is hard, then will first grade be hard? And will second grade? And what about third? What will his view of himself be by the time he hits third grade? Three more years of bullying and three more years of anxiety and three more years of struggle?

Do I keep him home and teach him myself?

And that's where the world steps in. Because a lot of people have kids that fit into that fantasy world that I envisioned. And many don't know that this world - this also very real world - exists.

I never knew it did.

So, here I am with a coin in my hand and wondering if I'm brave enough to toss it. And I'm wondering why I'm not brave enough to trust myself and I'm worried because I'm too scared to pray about it.

Because it's not a win-win situation. I know what I want to do... but is it the right thing to do?

Sometimes I wish that I was twenty again.... when life revolved around Tripping Daisy concerts and dates on Friday night. When I was free enough to throw caution to the wind and flip a coin to my future.

But that's life.

C'est la vie.