Somebody Get Me a Hamburger! Stat!

Yes, I'm still here. Considerably lighter, as you'll find out in a minute. But first things first....

Our computer is still hijacked with a virus. Actually, we've been too busy to take it to get fixed, so we're still scamming... er, I mean, borrowing my parents' laptop for the time being. And since Noah's attracted to the keyboard and the blinking lights, we have to turn it off everytime we get off it... which means, we've canceled all opportunity for me to be seduced by the come hither and check thy email looks everytime I walk by, so I haven't been on it much lately.

Okay, so the real truth is that I'm just too lazy to turn it on and wait for it to boot up. Plus,
Sim's still working crazy long hours and someone has to do the parenting around here. And even though Eli thinks he's the boss of the house, he's definitely not, so I'm having to step up and do some parental duties which includes, but is not limited to carting them off to school every day, wrestling through homework in the afternoon, throwing something on the table for dinner, and working like crazy to get them into bed before Dancing with the Stars comes on.

It's not like I'm fanatical about the show or anything, but there's nothing like ending your day with a bang by watching hot Eastern European men doing the cha cha and the rumba in sparklies and sequins. Something about it just puts a smile on my face.

So, anyway, besides wrestling the Three Musketeers pretty much solo for the last few weeks, I got really sick last weekend and ended up spending three days in bed curled up in fetal with bottles of Motrin IB, Vicodin, and a lifetime supply of ThermaCare heat pads plastered all over my body. After two trips to the doctor, one trip to the ER, and two doses of morphine... hello! everyone was looking attractive and merry and I might have proposed to the on-duty nurse... I was finally told that I most likely have endometriosis and irritable bowel. Oh, and a possible UTI.

Now isn't that what you all wanted to hear? How many of you are worried that I'm going to be blogging every grisly detail about uterus linings, bloating, and my irritated bowels?

No need to worry. While I have no shame in blogging about every detail concerning the contents of Noah's pull-up, I have no desire to let Computer Land know about my nether regions. Or as I like to call it... my never regions... 'cuz you ain't never gonna hear about it.

However, I will blog about the fact that I've been forced to go on a gluten-free, dairy-free, caffeine-free (no chocolate! no coffee! no fun!) diet. That, plus the fact, that I literally lived off 3 bites of applesauce and 2 sips of veggie broth for 3 days has left me 9 pounds lighter.

S'rsly.

I may have the insides of an 80 year old woman, but if I put on some spanx, suck my stomach in until my eyes bulge out of my head, and forget to breathe, then I can just about button my size 6's. And zip them.

Ka-ching!!

Now, all I need to do is open my my mouth in the shower when I go to India in a few months and I should be back to my fighting weight in no time. (Kidding, Sarah!! Kidding!)

I will say that I am so thankful for my husband and the fact that he took three days off work so that I could hog the bed in agony. Plus, there's nothing that draws a couple closer together than when holding a loved one's hair back so they can throw up in the commode. (That morphine didn't feel half as good coming out as it did going in.)

Our marriage reached a whole new level last weekend.

I did go through a lot of emotional searching... or should I call them crises... when I realized how utterly helpless I had become. Lots of worrying about the future and the kids and what would happen if I got really sick. But I won't burden you all with that right now. Besides, you know it's all bound to pop out in a post in the next few weeks anyway.

Anyway, must end this post and figure out what we'll be having for supper. Fortunately, Noah's been on a gluten and dairy free diet off and on for years, so I've got it down pat. If only I could find something to conquer my moods. Do you know what it's like to take pasta, Reeses', ice cream, and Sonic's Happy Hour away from a complicated, tempermental woman?

It ain't pretty. But it is 9lbs lighter.

Ka-ching!