Hanging On...

Just wanted to let you all know that we are still here. Contrary to what some may believe, we have not fallen off the face of the earth. We are just going through a really rough time at the moment.

I've been debating about whether or not to post anything.. but then blogging is my way of dealing with things... so, I figure I may as well just write about it and get it off my chest.

Turns out one of our little munchkins has RAD. Oh heck, you all know who I'm talking about. I'm not quite sure the difference between attachment disorder and RAD, so she could possibly just have attachment disorder. I'm still learning about it all, so I don't really know what exactly is going on.

What I do know is that if you google it, you might think, "No way... there goes Leslie again... slappin' on a label..."

Trust me... trust me.. we have resisted this for a long time. We really wanted to attribute everything to her brain injury... but we just can't ignore it anymore. It's been 18 months. She has classic RAD signs that, like I said, we can't ignore anymore.

All I can say is that if you think we're crazy, then you probably haven't dealt with it before. A friend of mine watched her the other day and commented on sweet and quiet and shy she was the entire time. Just walked around holding a doll..

Hmmmm. you know, that's pretty interesting. There are no dolls in our house. Wanna know why? Because their eyes get poked out. We've also had to completely stop doing crafts with google eyes because she loves to rip the eyes off...

I want you to believe me when I say that you have no idea what goes on behind our four walls. No idea....

We love our little girl. Knowing that she has attachment issues does not change that. It broke our heart, but we are determined to help her get better... because this is not her fault. And we love her. Do you hear me? We.Love.Her!!!

It's funny, I know, that I haven't said her name yet... even though you all know who I'm talking about. It's like if I don't say her name then it protects her somehow...

You'll have to excuse me. My mind is so tired right now...

We have started doing some Nancy Thomas (no relation) attachment therapy and let me tell you... it's like we have unleashed a flood of demons. Not only in our little girl, but also our middle child. That one threw us for a loop.

It has been rough. I am being tested NON-STOP. Their one goal is to get me to lose control. Sounds strange, I know, but it's all part of it.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, they have not been able to break me, which means they are going to extreme measures to make me lose control..

Oh, yeah. Did I mention that kids with attachment issues target the mom??

Oh joy.

Anyway, these extreme measures are the reason I haven't been blogging. I can't leave their side. I literally had my first shower this morning in four days... My priority right now is making sure that Noah and our animals are safe.

We are even having to go so far as to put in surveillance equipment in our house so that we can keep an eye on them.

Just to clear the air, there is no sexual acting out. All aggression is physical....

As I said, we have to make sure that Noah remains safe.... enough said.

We will be starting attachment therapy with a therapist this summer. Honestly, we need another therapy bill like we need a hole in the head... but I do believe we're dealing with a mild case (cases?), but if left untreated, I believe it will get worse. (And thank you, Christine, for being my rock through this. I know you're been there, done that, still doing it... but there's no way I could've gotten through 5 minutes of this without having you on speed dial. You, too, Tristan!)

So, anyway, fortunately, Sim is right on board. And my parents agree. And so does the school. We are not way off-base on this one.

See? I told you to trust me.

So, that's it. We're one big dysfunctional family. Now... who wants to come over for a playdate?

P.S.: Please forgive me if you've emailed me, facebooked me, called me, or left a comment on my blog and I haven't responded. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE hearing from you - things are just crazy right now.

P.P.S. Lesson of the Day:

If you battle your stress by consuming copious amounts of pasta.. you will be too embarrassed to join the other moms at the pool this summer....

Not that I ate 5 bowls of bowtie pasta this afternoon or anything.

Who? Me?

Comments

Chantelle said…
Please don't feel like you have to justify or explain yourself or keep saying "Trust me, we're not nuts. This is real." I BELIEVE YOU and I'm sure most of us do. This stuff is REAL and you are very SANE. I'm so thankful you shared with us because now I will up my prayers for you! (((((hug))))))

And on those days when you feel like nothing gets accomplished, you haven't showered and you think you're a failure... please remember...You're doing a terrific job every day as a mom to your kids even if all you do is stick a pb&j in front of them and tell them you love them. Food, water and love. Everything else is gravy.
sarah bess said…
No words of wisdom or depth of experience from this corner, just a hug. I know you love Nandi. It's easy to see that she's thriving with you. She would have areas of brokenness in her wherever she lived. Praying that the tide will come in and stay in for a good refreshing while and that the Holy Spirit will give her the desire to be gentle to Noah, so much so that she forgets she ever used to enjoy hurting him.
Gayla said…
You and your family are in my heart and prayers. I'm going to send you my number through FB. Please call if you need for me to agree with you in prayer about anything. Know that this too shall pass. I believe that God has a great plan for you and your children!
Lisa said…
I know exactly what it is like to feel like I have to explain a situation to other people as dire because it can seem so normal or harmless on the outside. Don't worry about that, you know what is wrong, and that is all that matters. So glad to see a post from you. Had noticed you were MIA. So sorry it is for the reasons it is. Will be remembering your famliy in prayer.
TracyC said…
Leslie--BIG hugs! BIG BIG hugs. You will need them. I so much wish you and Nandi were not going through this but I am so so so glad God gave her you as her mum because you are going to get through this. Another mother might just walk away.

Just a FYI--our therapist uses Danial Hugh's methods. It's been a good fit for our T-Rex.

Email, call me, call me collect--heck call me and bill it to Chantelle. If I can help in anyway, please let me know.

Oh and have another hug and remember that Nandi loves you or she wouldn't be threatened by you and need to act out. And eat more pasta.
Mom 4 Kids said…
I am here if I can be of help and support at all. As you know from our blog we have been there, are still there and still doing that. One day at a time, one minute at a time keep hanging on. Hugs!!!
Sneha V said…
You know from the start that I have thought you were an amazing person. I hope you know that no matter what, in my eyes, you will always be an amazing, caring, loving, and wonderful person.
This is just another test, but please know that everyone who reads your blog is praying for you. It absolutely breaks my heart that this is happening to you. After all the wonderful things you've done, you don't deserve this. But one of the things I've learned about you is that you don't let things like this get you down. So while it's hard now, I know you'll make it through.

You're a wonderful, wonderful mother. Please never forget that. <3
First off HUGS to you! Thanks for sharing! That is such a fear with our kiddos isnt it. I am prayin the therapy will work out well. Please do keep us posted!

Blessings,
Tami
Celeste, Noah and Jeremiah's mama
PRAYING JEREMIAH HOME QUICKLY
www.tillGodbringsthemhome.blogspot.com
Lorraine Fuller said…
I just came over from Christines blog. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I have a household with RAD, Aspergers, missing limbs, wheelchairs and lots of fun stuff. Sometimes it's tough and sometimes you just have to laugh (mostly so you won't cry!)
We use some Nancy Thomas and some other stuff, mostly we have just had to figure out what works for us. So even though you don't know me, I am here for you.
Anonymous said…
Leslie,

As mom to 6 (2 RADishes), I just want to say, I believe you. I get it! You're NOT alone!

Reach out and lean on other RAD moms.. none of us can do this alone.

xoxo
Corey
www.watchingthewaters.wordpress.com
Shara said…
I agree with everything Chantelle says!

If there is anything I can do - even just come over to stay with the kids so you can take a shower, please let me know. I'm praying for y'all, but I will help in any way I can.
Dia por Dia said…
Came over from Christine's blog. I have 2 kids with RAD (ages 8 & 10) and a 4 1/2 year old with "attachment issues." I can totally relate to the "4 days w/o shower" lifestyle. Use what works to keep you sane, kids safe, and don't lose track of your needs in all this. We are out here to help (even if we just met... :) We are fellow Texans however...Let us know how we can help.
truevyne said…
Throwing some RAD momma love your way. You need it! We've had our son for 13 years (2 in foster care), and I didn't understand his radness until last summer. All I knew is that he's been the chaos king of our home from toddlerhood on. So, if you worry you took too long to catch on to the real problem, how's 12 years for being slow on the draw? I do not beat myself up about it, because rad wasn't a diagnosis we ever heard of before last summer- at all.
Just so ya know, last summer when I read _When Love is not Enough_, I read it three times in three days taking detailed notes. However, I didn't like Nancy Thomas' style and drew wrong conclusions about her until I watched her strategies dvds. I do like her style now that I've watched more of her work. Of all the books I've read so far _Building the Bonds of Attachment_ is my very favorite and gave me the most help and more importantly, hope.
I totally get the "nobody knows what goes on inside our home". People don't get it. Won't get it. They believe, as I used to, that the child only needs more love, and all will be well. I wanted to cry (or scream) when one of my son's teachers said the other day, "Haven't you told him of all the babies in the world, you CHOOSE him?" Of course we have said that, but one simple sentence doesn't heal a terribly wounded child. If he'd had the choice, he'd have chosen a birth mother who could have kept him!
If you need a rad mom on the path, email me. I'll send my name addy in an email to you.
Anonymous said…
My prayers are with you. I came over from Christine's site. I'm a lurker over there. I survived an abusive childhood and have some unhealthy tendencies to test my husband's love. I know that it's so wrong and unhealthy, but I get so tired of fighting it and so scared to be vulnerable. I survived by being strong and closed off and a liar. I wouldn't have married if I had known that each tiny wound would send me running away from my husband. I often just want Jesus to come back or to take my soul to heaven so that I can be healed and this battle in my head and heart can be over. Christine's posts often leave me in tears with a new resolve to fight on. Thank you for sharing your struggle and your battle for your children. You have strengthened me. I'm resolved to be vulnerable and loving to the good man I married.
truevyne said…
couldn't figure out how to use the email icon without knowing your email so here's mine if you ever need encouragement from the trenches:
truevyneataoldotcom
Hannah said…
Thank you for being so brave. Praying for you.

Blessings!

Hannah
marythemom said…
I came over from Christine's site too. I haven't had a chance to read much about you, but I wanted to let you know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

We have two RAD kids (adopted siblings) and I didn't know much about RAD until they'd been with us 6 months (hadn't even heard of it until after we'd agreed to become their adoptive parents, and neither of them were diagnosed with it either).

It took me two and a half years to accept that our daughter has it too. It was more obvious with our son. There are lots of resources out there if you look hard enough. Feel free to e-mail at mbrush at austin dot rr dot com.

Mary in TX
http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com

Mom to biokids Ponito(10) and his sister Bob(12)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(14) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.

" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
sandwichinwi said…
Leslie,

Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

You know I love you and that Nandi has a special place in my heart.

Those little buggers from BSSK are somethin' else. Ask me how I know.

I believe you. You're not nuts. You'll make it!

Blessings,
Sandwich
Jane said…
Leslie,
I can't pretend to know what you and your family are going through right now. I do know you are an amazing lovely mother whom many could learn from.
My thoughts are prayers are with you and yours as you work through this.
Please, please, please do take care of you.
Cheers~
Jane
Sean's Ladies said…
not easy. and no one is walking what you specifically are in your family. but you're not alone. prayers and hugs
Wendy said…
No need to apologize or worry we won't understand. RAD kids are master minds of showing the 'perfect' side of themselves in public and the absolute worst of themselves in private, and as you said, they typically target the mother. Their actions are all based on fear and survival instincts, they make no sense, are random and violent and they resist any and all comfort. It's a hard row to hoe, but she is in the most excellent hands. Oh, and when one blows up, they do tend to cause all the other kiddos to escalate too. It picks at their deepest fears when they see each other lose control. I am sending you HUGE hugs and hoping you all the best.
Anonymous said…
sending big big big hugs your way...please call any time if you need too! love, rachel

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