Hard Times

Honestly, I don't know what's happened to me or why I've fallen off the blogging train, but things just seem so busy these days.  We're dealing with A LOT of things that I wonder if I should blog about. Things I feel I should blog about it because I suspect some of you are dealing with the same things. Things I worry about blogging about because my kids' names are already out there. Things I wish I could blog about under absolute anonymity. Things that make me wish I had kept pictures and names off this blog when I first started and things that make me think that I might just start completely over with a new blog where my kids are given pseudonyms and my profile pic is a photo of a supermodel or a cat or a sunset.

I think one of the hardest things about adoption is not knowing your child's genetic background. One of our kids is at the age where we're starting to see signs of mental illness. Signs that have been there all along, but signs that are becoming more prominent as this particular child gets older. In the past, people just waved off our suspicions, but lately when we've mentioned what we think might be going on with this particular child, people nod their head in agreement or say things like "I can see that" or "Yeah, he/she does seem xyz"  Part of me wants to shake them and scream, "Where were you 4,5,6 years ago when we were saying this?? When you made me feel stupid and like a paranoid mom?"  And there's a bit of bitterness still left in my mouth from the friends we've lost and the judgement we faced.... some things I guess can't be seen until kids are older. It doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

Another thing that's rearing its head is loss. Adoption is based on loss. Pure and simple. It seems so easy when kids are just babies or toddlers. You think that you can just hug them and hold them and love them and everything will be okay.  I used to look at moms who adopted years ago... moms who would warn that sometimes kids go through rough times when they realize what adoption really means... and I would look at my kids, my kids who thought I hung the moon, and think, "They'll never feel that way!!"

But kids grow up. Some sooner than others. And maybe some of you will escape the wrath, but many of you will hear the "You're not my REAL mom! I want my REAL mom! I never asked for this! I never asked to be adopted!!" and your child will cry or rage or feel unloved because they just can't fathom why "my real mom didn't want me".  And your heart will break.  It will break into a thousand pieces. Because no matter how hard you try, it's hard to heal the hole they feel inside.

In case I've depressed any of you who are waiting on your sweet kids to come home, I can tell you that only one of my kids, so far, is feeling this anguish.  And when I asked Noah if he wanted to discuss his adoption story or his birthparents, he spelled out N-O.  And when I asked why, he spelled out Y-O-U  I-S-  M-Y  R-E-A-L  M-O-M.

And I'm holding on to that so very tightly.

And this is what's going on right now. We have a lot of rage. A lot of cycling. A lot of intense anger.  Our Passive Aggressive child is also back in full force. We are in the trenches right now. Every day has been a battle, so if you can spare a prayer, I'd appreciate it.

The next few months are going to be interesting for us. We've got appointments that need to be lined up. Evaluations to be made. Naveen is having surgery next month because they think they might be able to save his kidney. And I'm doing my best to homeschool Noah in the midst of it all. I have a ton of parenting books to tackle. Websites to read. I feel like I'm having to learn a hundred different languages.  It's been so crazy, and we're dealing with so much, that our social worker, who we adore, told us that if we ever decided to adopt again that we'd have to get another social worker because she absolutely would not recommend us!! lol   Full Hands. Stretched Arms.

But things are going okay, too. We're tackling our credit cards, slowly but surely. A sweet friend brought me flowers the other day after reading a Facebook update. The new TV season starts up shortly... love me some Once Upon a Time! It's in the high 80's today. And I've lost 10 pounds. The same ten pounds I've lost and gained over the last ten years, but, not bad, eh?

Naveen continues to keep us in stitches. There's nothing better than cuddling up to him at the end of the day. I absolutely love having a little one in the house. It's like I get to live things over one more time. I can't wait for the upcoming holidays and to see the excitement on his face. EVERYTHING gets him excited. You should've seen the squeals of delight when the recycling truck drove through the neighborhood today!

Noah is my sweetheart. He's starting to make more eye contact and just floors me with how easy going he is. He just takes life one day at a time. He's getting so big! His size 8 shorts are too tight, now, so I'm scouting out 10's in the sales. We're studying the Middle Ages this year and I think this will be a great homeschool year for him.  Every year I ask him if he wants to go to public school and he spells N-O. M-I-S-S- Y-O-U. M-I-S-S  S-T-O-R-I-E-S  (the books I read to him).

Eli is now in the 3rd grade. He'll be 9 on the 17th. I'm going to a meeting in two weeks to see about getting him into GT Visual Arts. He's so creative! One of these days I'll have to take pictures of the toys he's made out of scrap wood at my dad's house. He's doing better in school this year and has a good friend. He's also so good with Naveen. I think it helps to have a kid in the house who he can boss around! But he's so good with Naveen. That's been a big blessing.

Nandini will turn 8 at the end of October. She's now in the 2nd grade. She and Noah have just started doing Special Olympics. Right now they're doing Bocce Ball and will start bowling next month. Nandi's too young to compete, so she just practices. I'm not sure she really qualifies for Special Olympics, but there's not a Paralympics around here, and the group doesn't mind her practicing with them. She also started piano last month. She's going to be the best one handed player around! She's also a big help around the house and loves to feel needed. In fact, she's about to help me start lunch.

And with that, I should go. I try to look at the bright side and try to find the humor in everything, but I wanted to give an update on what's going on... to explain why I haven't been blogging and to explain a little bit about some of the blog posts you might see in the future.

Okay, I really have to go now. My rager is raging.  Thanks for listening. Maybe the next post will be lighter??