Finding the Beauty in a Broken Glass

It's no secret that I've been in a funk lately. A big fat funk! Even Sim called today to check up on me because he's worried about me. It could have something to do with me telling him that he might come home one day to find my bags packed and skid marks in the driveway where the minivan used to sit.

And maybe a couple of kids left in the house for him to deal with.

Yesterday was rough.

I'm trying so hard to find a silver lining. If you read my last post, then you know that one of our kids is showing more and more signs of a mental illness. This particular child cycles and right now things are really good and when things are good, we start to doubt ourselves. But we know that it's all going to crash soon, so we're trying to enjoy the good bits for a while.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it, when that child is in a good period, our child that we thought had recovered from RAD, is in a baaaaaaddddd period. Let's just say that if you really want to know if your child has recovered from RAD then just adopt a cute and adorable toddler who demands all your attention, sleeps in your bed, and won't leave your side for months on end.

Yep. That ought a do it!

RAD. It's back!! And it's pissed!

It's not an exaggeration to say that  from the moment this child comes home to the moment she goes to bed,  it's a battle. Those four to four and a half hours are spent with her solely. Trying to regulate her. Calm her. Keep her from destroying things. Trying to build up her heart and let her know how much we love her. But it's exhausting.

If one child has more water in their glass than she does? We love that child more.
If one child runs to the bathroom to brush their teeth and beats her to it? She's a failure and obviously no good.
If our dog goes up to another child to be petted? The dog hates her. (Even though he sleeps with her each night.)

Everything is a race. Everything is a competition. And her Love Thank is NEVER full. Never. And it's exhausting. But she's worth it. So worth it. So we just keep plugging along.

But I am so tired.

Today, when Sim called, I complained, "I just want the house to be clean! It just gets on top of me and I can't get out from under it!"  And today, my one wish was to just clean the house.

But I had no desire. No energy. No will to do anything about it.

And then Noah broke a glass. Shattered it all over the table and floor. I swear it must have broke into a million pieces.  And I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to sink down on the floor and cry. But I had two barefoot kids that I had to think about, so I shooed them to the other room and got to work.

I had to sweep up all the glass to make sure nothing was left.

And did you know that in the process my floor got clean?

I had to clear away the left over dishes from lunch instead of leaving them on the table for the rest of the afternoon because what if a little piece of glass got into the food and one of the kids decided to take a bite?

And did you know that in the process my dishes got washed?

I had to clear off all the unopened mail and the puzzle pieces and the books and bits of paper and broken crayons off the table in order to make sure that all the glass was cleaned up.

And did you know that in the process my table got cleared off and those things got put back in their place?

And I had to take my spray cleaner and finally clear up the sticky patch of orange juice that got spilled two mornings ago because several teeny tiny pieces of glass got stuck in it.

And did you know that in the process that my kitchen table got cleaned and wiped down?

That broken glass... that glass that made me want to curl into fetal and sob my day away.... that glass that felt  like the straw that broke the camel's back... it turned out to be the biggest blessing of all.

There are so many things that I've wanted to write about, but I was afraid that I would sound so self-absorbed and so pitiful that I'm glad I kept things to myself. And I can't guarantee that I'll always keep those thoughts to myself, but I am trying desperately to see the positive in what otherwise seems like a hopeless situation.

So today, I'm going to be thankful for that broken glass that ended up cleaning my kitchen.

And, maybe just maybe, Noah will break one in the bedroom, the bathroom, and the living room, too....



P.S. Thank you all so much for the comments. I am absolutely terrible about replying to comments, but I read and cherish each one. So thank you so much for the kinds words of support. They are so appreciated! And if you've emailed me or Facebooked me and I haven't responded, please email me again or remind me. It's not personal, I promise!