Live Like Your Husband Has Amnesia

Weird title, huh?

So, a few days I ago I was in the library looking for some books to read and I came across some by Sophie Kinsella. She's the one who wrote Confessions of a Shopaholic. I'd never read the book, but loved the movie, so I checked out the two books that the library had... The Undomestic Goddess and Remember Me?. I finished them each in one day. They are THAT good.

Am so loving her at the moment. She's my new favorite author. Good, fun, pure, chick-lit. Love it.

Anyway, so last night I finished Remember Me? which is about a lady who's in an accident and can't remember anything from the last three years... including the fact that she's got a gorgeous husband. After I read it, it made me think what would happen if my husband got amnesia, woke up and found me standing over his bed saying that I was his wife.

I mean, I would be a stranger to him, right? He'd have no idea that we've shared the past 15 1/2 years together. He'd have to fall in love with me all over again. How I am now... not how I was when he fell in love with me when I was 20.

And the only thing that I could think of was, "Oh crap. He would so walk away." I mean, really. I am nothing like the naive young girl he fell in love with. How would it go?......

Hey, honey! It's me, Leslie. Your wife.

You're my wife?

Yeah, sweetie. We've been together for nearly 16 years and married for 13 1/2.

Really? Oh, okay. Well, tell me about us. How did we fall in love?

Well, we met in England. We lived next to each other in the dorms. Look! Here's a picture. (Reach into my bag and pull out a photo album). Look, that's us when we started dating.

(Touching the picture). Wow, you look so different. Your hair's red. (Smiles) You look so alive. And you're.... (eyebrows furrowing)...

Um, well, I was a bit skinnier, then. We have three kids, you know.

Really?

Yeah, they're great! We decided to adopt and voila!

Adopt, I thought maybe you'd given birth... you know (looking at my stomach).

Oh, well, you know. That's what you get when you eat too many fish fingers (laughing nervously).

We eat fish fingers?

Yeah, well, you know, um, we didn't always. (Start to smile). Before we had kids, we went out to eat all the time. We would always eat at this cool Indian restaurant in Dallas... Hey, I'm going to India in January!

(Face brightens) Really? I would love to go to India. When do we leave?

Oh, um, it's actually just me. You're staying with the kids.

What do you mean?

Well, we take separate vacations. It's hard to find a sitter, you know. And, plus, Noah - that's our son - doesn't do well away from home... and, uh...

So, we're married, but we take separate vacations?

It's not as bad as it sounds. Really. You go to England once a year. And you just got back from Yosemite last month.

And you stayed home?

Well, yeah, I mean, we have the kids...

O-kay. So we take separate vacations and we don't go out to eat anymore.

(Looking down. Silence). Um, hey, let's look at some other pictures. Here's one. Look, we're at Glastonbury Festival. Man, we had so much fun.

I wish I could, remember, Leslie. I really do. What's the last concert we went to? Maybe that'll jog my memory.

Oh, well, um, let me think... you mean the last one we went to together? Oh, uh, I think we went to see Delirious in 2002. And before that... um, I can't remember. We haven't really been out since Noah came.

When was that?

7 years ago.

We haven't been out in 7 years??!!

Well, no, I mean, we had a date night last Thanksgiving and three years before that we saw a movie and we went to England for our 10th anniversary.

So, you're telling me that we have separate vacations and we've had one date night in the last three years?

Um, yeah.

What about sex? Surely, I mean, come on....

Oh, sex? Uh, you do remember that we've been together nearly 16 years right?

No. I have amnesia, remember?

Oh, yeah. Oh YEAH! Oh, well, um, yeah, we have sex all the time. All. The. Time. It's awesome. I totally rock your world.

Really! Great. Well let's have it right now. Surely that'll make me remember.

Now? Like, right now? Oh, er, um, huh, well... I have a headache.

(Suspicious). Really? Do you get them a lot?

Um, well, I'm under a lot of stress. You can never plan for a migraine, you know.

Uh-huh, yeah. I believe you.

Plus, I need a shower.

When's the last time you had a shower?

Ummm... five days ago?

Five days ago??!!

Hey, I'm a busy woman!

A stinky woman (he mutters underneath his breath).

Hey, I heard that! (Pause). So, um, here's some more pictures.

(Looking at the photos). You just look so different in these photos.

Well, you know, we were first married and all. (Catch a glimpse of myself in the hospital mirror and my eyes widen at the sight of all the gray wiry hairs sprouting out the top of my head.)

But your eyes look different.

Oh, yeah. I used to pluck. Hurts like the dickens. I don't pluck anymore. (Look in the mirror again. Good grief! Are those fuzzy caterpillars stuck to my eyebrows???)

So, do we like the same things? Watch the same movies? Watch the same shows?

Well, you love PBS. You're quite addicted to some British show called MI-5.

Do we watch it together?

Well, uh, I usually read a book.

I see. You're trying to tell me that you're my wife, but we take separate vacations, never go out, have had one date night in three years, you've stopped taking care of yourself, we don't like the same things, and you, apparently, suffer from headaches... which I imagine, conveniently come on at bedtime. Is that right?

Well, it sounds a lot worse than it is.

It sounds awful! You're a liar. You're an imposter. You're not my wife. I would never stay in a relationship like that. Get out! Get out! Nurse! Nurse!....

Aaaaargh! Can you see what I mean? How did this happen? How did two young people who were so madly in love with each other become so complacent?

Don't get me wrong. My husband and I love each other. We really adore each other. He is my best friend. My favorite person in the world. We can be in the same room doing our own thing, but I feel better just knowing that he's in the room. We complete each other. We really do.

But looking at all the above. What the heck happened?

I mean, life happened. And kids happened. And kids with special needs happened. And we wouldn't change it. But it does change things. It's harder to find a sitter. You can't just run away to New York for the weekend. Heck, we can't run out to dinner and a movie. I mean, not just the sitter, but do you know how much that costs?? Bills happened. Credit cards happened. Becoming a stay-at-home-mom happened. Suddenly 24 hours in a day is no longer enough. We need more hours to get it all done.

I don't mind Sim going to England or going camping. I encourage it. And he's so excited about me going to India. We love to see each other happy. But how far can complacency get you?

What makes a marriage fall apart? We're doing great. We really are. But 10 more years of living like this? 20 more years? Will we feel the same? Will we be one of those couples who's married for 35 years and then splits up?

I don't want that. He doesn't want that. Neither of us wants that.

But what would I do if Sim suffered amnesia and had to fall in love with me all over again? Would he? I'm not the girl he fell in love with... the young, innocent, optimistic, life is full of rainbows and unicorns girl.

So, last night, we had a long talk. And we agreed that we have to make time for each other. The best thing we can give the kids (and ourselves) is the gift of having two parents who love each other. We rarely, if ever, fight. But do we show each other how much we love each other? Or have we taken it for granted that we'll always be there?

That's a dangerous game to play. And we don't want to play it. We've made a decision to live as if the other has amnesia... and fall in love all over again.

Well, we've never fallen out of love. I guess, I could say... we've decided to remind each other of why we fell in love in the first place. And to keep reminding each other... again and again and again.

So, I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself what would happen if your spouse or significant other had amnesia and woke up not remembering you. Would he or she fall in love with you again?

Go home and start reminding each other now. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until complacency gets the best of you.

It's the best gift you can give yourself.