Are You Barren?


That's what a lady asked me at Walmart the other day.

"Are you barren?"

Uh, not only was that a bit personal, but does anyone even use that word anymore?

Granted, I do believe she was born around 1874, so maybe that was the word de jour back in the pioneer days, but come on... barren?

And the truth is that normally I would brush off a little linguistic faux pas like that, but girlfriend was carrying a Coach bag and wearing some ultra fab little trendy shoes, so I know it's not like she just stepped off the covered wagon yesterday.

Anyone who spends their days shopping at the Galleria cannot claim to be so out of touch with reality that they didn't know that it wasn't couth to refer to someone as barren.

Although spending my days shopping at the Galleria would probably suck out some of my brain cells, too, so I guess there could be a little truth to that.

Dude, they don't even have a Birkenstock store there. I think that in itself demands a prompt call to the mayor of Dallas.

Anyway, maybe it was kosher to call someone barren a hundred years ago, but this is, like, nearly 2010, and it is sooooooooo not cool.

What do you say to that? Let's think of the possibilities?

Well, actually, no, my husband's sperm IS capable of doing a little hula with my eggs, but we chose to raise a child born from someone else's eggs and sperm.

Should I give a fair warning to all the trendy teens today and say, "Well, actually, my husband wore too many tight jeans in the 80's and God is punishing me for spending my entire 5th grade year kissing pictures of Tommy Howell on my wall."

Maybe I could be upfront and say, "Why yes. I'm barren like a wild piece of land and am just waiting for some cowboy to come till me and plant his seed."

I could look disgusted, lean forward and loudly whisper, "Do you know what you have to do to have one of these?" (And then point to the kids) "Eeeeeew, yuck!" And then stick out my tongue and shudder.

But, nope. Because I am super refined and sophisticated, I just smiled and said, "No, I'm not. God called us to adopt and I'm sooooo glad we listened."

And then I turned my non-barren self around and wheeled away with the fruits of my labor.

And then quietly counted up how much good could've been done with the amount of money she spent on her purse... because, you know, I'm terribly annoying and not the least bit OCD like that.

ETA: I hope I haven't offended anyone who has a Coach purse. However, if I did and you feel compelled to donate your bag to someone in need, particulary the New Large Leather Brooke in Eggplant or the large Maggie in Cinnamon then I know of a lovely lady in East Texas who would like to send you her mailing address ASAP. *cough*me*cough**cough*

Comments

Anonymous said…
Dude, why do you rock the Casbah so hard?

I love when people try to be so PC the other way that they act like my children could possibly be biologically mine. Like, HOW FREAKIN' DARK would their daddy have to be for them to spring from my womb?

PS. I have a coach purse. A church assumed since we had so many children, we must be destitute, and loaded us up with gifts one year. And gave me a coach purse. I don't carry a purse, but I guess it was a nice gesture.
Pam said…
BARREN? What on earth? And for the record...I hate those bags. Every woman in my church carries one, while I carry the $5.00 one I brought from Rue21. Big spender right here guys. I just can't fathom spending that much money on a purse for crying out loud...especially since I hate purses with a passion. *sigh* :)
Recovering Noah said…
Corey - lol. Okay, Cornerstone Church members... please assume that I, too, am destitute. I would like a Coach purse and some James Avery jewelry. Thanks!

Hey, will your Birks fit into your bag?? ;-)

Pam - I know. Barren! lol. You have to laugh, though.

And regarding purses, I still carry the same purse I've carried since Noah came home. TJ Maxx special.

Although, I'm not above somebody giving me their castoff Coach's, though. Oh, and my shoe size is an 8. And I suppose I couldn't say no to someone who wants to hand me some white-gold jewelry. *cackle*laugh*laugh*
;-)
Mom 4 Kids said…
Hey I saw a Coach bag at the Good Will. I did look at it but they wanted $30 bucks and I don't think so. I am just sticking with my blue back-pack bag that I could totally live off of for a week in hard times if I had to. There is enough fruit snacks, juice pouches and potato chips tid-bits to get us through. Stick with me honey!

BTW I am really annoying to people who want to fish around about the DNA of my kids. One lady recently asked me at the dentist office if my little guy "gave me a hard time in delivery?" That was a new one I have to admit. I just said, "Nope." "So he is your's?" "Yep." "Was he born early?" "Nope." "Does he look like his Dad?" "Totally."

I'm not giving it up lady, I can play this all day. :-)
Shara said…
You crack me up!
Anonymous said…
Silly, silly woman you met! If she only were blessed to know you, she would know just exactly how full your life is! Kudos to you for giving grace where it def. wasn't deserved!

Here's my idea...Let's start a new trend with designer adoptive mom purses....you know, with some swanky "AP" logo....Then we'll charge a gazillion dollars and fund adoptions that way...you know, take advantage of the weaknesses of the American upper middle class to fulfill our own agenda! :oD

And when I grow up, can I be as funny as you?

Lisa H.
sandwichinwi said…
Y'all are so funny.

I don't know if I would even KNOW a Coach purse if it bonked me in the head. Must be a southern gal thang. (I'm in the north)

Leslie, you are hilarious AND gracious. I love you!

blessings,
Sandwich
Myia said…
OMG, that is hilarious. Barren? BARREN? You should have countered with "No. And since we're on the topic of sex & fertility, do you prefer doggy style or reverse cowgirl?"

The audacity of some people. She was probably eyeing your beautiful children and wondering if she could add them to her backyard sweatshop where she makes those overpriced gaudy Coach purses.

And I hope that *does* offend the morons who pay $800 for a trendy handbag. DO THEY KNOW HOW MANY CHILDREN THAT $800 COULD FEED??? Seriously.

Being a childless spinster, I'm often asked why I didn't get married and have kids (as if now that I'm north of 35 that's no longer an option). My answer? "Because some of us don't want marriage and kids. Some of us just want orgasms and dogs". Shuts them up every time.

You've got a book in you, Leslie. Do you ever read Dooce? She's written 2 books. And your story is just as (if not more) compelling...and you're a better writer.

Let me know when the next movie night is scheduled for. I'm having some Eli-withdrawal!
TracyC said…
Oh my! What could I possibly add? I thought for a moment about trying to appear offended but I know that you know that I couldn't tell a coach bag from duffle bag. As far as Miss Sagebrush Sal I just know I would have said, "Barren? No. But now that you mention it I am a bit thirsty."
Lisa said…
Okay, I am cracking up here at all these comments, and backing them up 100%! LOL I in the same boat as Myia. 29 and single, no kids. You would think I was a leper dying of cancer at my church. "Poor little Lisa. No kids, no husband. Tsk, tsk." I just want to tell them, "From what I have saw from some of you guys, marriage and kids ARE NOT all they are cracked up to be!" Don't get me wrong, I would love a family someday, but I am just not going to marry someone and have kids because I am getting "old." Sheesh.
Mini Misemers said…
OM Gosh! People are SO stupid. Having dealt with infertility, I've had plenty of people make personal, stupid, offensive comments. I will say, no one has ever referred to me as barren, though! Maybe she had fake boobs leaked silicon into her brain. disclaimer: if I had the cash, I'd buy me some boobs, too
Of course, now, being pg I have stupid rude strangers arguing that my baby is either due yesterday or am I absolutely positive I am not having twins?...
Mary Beth said…
Just this morning I was telling my husband that I thought $600 bags (as mentioned on TV) should be illegal. Because they are immoral. Says me.

And I "only" have stepchildren who could be mine if I'd started at 14...people ask...yeah, they're mine. Just try to get them away from me!

Agree on the book!
paul-and-lori said…
Yes...I have to agree on the book thing too. I have just happened upon your blog and I am so enjoying your posts. I had to comment here. This one just had me in stitches.
Beautiful family BTW!
Oh...and I don't think I have ever heard of a coach purse.

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