What should I title this blog post?

I've never been one of those people who adopts because they want to "rescue" a child. I adopted because I wanted to be a mom, and I just always knew, even as a teen, that I would adopt someday.

Having said that, last week I found myself thinking some terrible things. It'd been an awful day. RAD behaviors were at their highest and Nandi was testing me every single step of the way.

We were running late and I was desperately trying not to lose my cool. I would get Nandi dressed, turn around, and she'd be undressed. Get dressed, undressed, get dressed, undressed. Shoes on, shoes off. It was driving me nuts.

And, for the record, I did actually do reverse psychology on her once when she did this. I said, "No problem. You can just ride naked." Sure enough, she rode buck naked all the way to a friend's house. Didn't bother her a bit.

Of course, it didn't. She's a nudist. What was I thinking???

So, I had no idea what to do in this situation. She'd already called my bluff and I'd run out of tricks.

Anyway, I found myself thinking some really horrible thoughts... thank goodness I didn't say them out loud.

"You ungrateful little snot. Do you have any idea what I have sacrificed for you? I have done everything for you. I'm staying home for you. I cook for you. I clean for you. You jump, I say "how high"? I pick you up when you're crying. I clothe you. I feed you. You don't want for nothing because you have everything you could ever ask for. I have done everything I could possibly do for you and you treat me like *$@$%**&!. Do you have any idea what your life would have been like if you'd stayed in the orphanage? Huh, do you? DO YOU???"

For the record, I did NOT say this out loud. But I thought it. And it scared me. I mean, where did this come from? I was horrified that I could even think this. She's my daughter. You don't think things like this about your own child.

You know, I never think about my kids being adopted. It never occurs to me. Honestly, sometimes I forget that I didn't actually give birth to them. They're mine. They are my flesh and blood.

But with RAD, I don't know. It's like a slap in the face. It's a constant reminder that I'm not her birth mother. That I'm being rejected. That I wasn't there. It's always looming.... no one was there for her. No one was there for her. I wasn't there for her. Every behavior, every bite mark, every cry for help is a constant reminder that she was adopted. That I'm not her birth mother and that she rejects me.

And it just really did a number on me psychologically and I found myself thinking those terrible thoughts.

So, here's what happened. And, let me say, God can really orchestrate some amazing moments...

That very night I went with some friends to visit a church member who'd just had a baby. Now, I've never really been around newborns. And certainly haven't been around a newborn since all this attachment stuff came to the surface.

Anyway, I was looking at sweet little baby Jay and seeing how everyone in the room was completely in love with him. I saw how his mom just held him and beamed with joy. And it suddenly occurred to me...

Who held Nandi when she was born? There were no flowers the day she was born. There were no balloons saying "It's a girl!" There were no tears of happiness. No distant cousin to say, "Awww, you'd better lock the doors when she turns 16. She's going to have 'em lined up the block." No proud dad to say, "No way. She's not leaving the house until she's thirty!"

She wasn't passed around from relative to relative. She wasn't rocked and held and breastfeed. No one counted her 10 fingers and toes. No one taught her mom how to swaddle her tight.

What happened when Nandi was born? Was she whisked away to a cold sterile room with rows and rows of cribs? Was she rocked? Was she cuddled? What happened to her? Was she held only when she was fed? Was she even held when she was fed or was her bottle propped? Did anyone pick her up when she cried? Was her diaper changed the moment it was dirty or did she have to wait for all the other diapers to be changed?

What happened to my Nandini?

And that's when all my resentment and anger started to fade away.

She needs to be loved. She needs a mommy who doesn't stiffen up when she gives her a bottle. She needs a mommy to tell her how pretty and beautiful and amazing she is. No matter how she acts, she's just a little girl. A little girl who needs a mommy who loves her no matter what.

And that's the day, the moment, the minute, my attitude started to change.

It doesn't mean that things are better. But I feel better. And every time I feel my frustration rise.. oh, and believe me, it rises a lot... I just try to remember what it must have been like for Nandi when she was born. And I'm not faking it until I feel it anymore. I love her. I am her mommy. I am her real mommy.

And I love her.

Christine posted this video last week and it really speaks volumes about why our kids are they way they are.... It's a long video, but even if you can watch the first few minutes, you'll gain some incredible insight into what happened to Nandini and other children with attachment issues.



So, this is my last post on RAD (for awhile). I think I've caught everyone up. Now, we're just doing our day-to-day... trying to get by. I'm sure RAD stuff will come up in my posts - because I blog about what's going on in our lives, but it'll be nice to blog about some other things, too. Some more Eli-isms, some funnier stuff, just other things.