I've Got a New Attitude
Well, it was clearly premature to start a series of posts about what’s working for us… when it seems the only thing that brings peace and harmony around here is actually not being here.
Last week was pretty good, but we were gone sunup to sundown. Yesterday? Eh… not so good. This morning? Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
But I’ll go ahead and humor you and tell you some of the things we’re trying.
First of all, and perhaps the biggest, is that I’m having to change my attitude. I never realized my extreme need to control things until I had a little RADish… who also has an extreme need to control things.
You know that book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. And It’s All Small Stuff ? Well, I sweat the small stuff. Big time.
I’m trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore.
That book that I read (the one I hated so much and hate even more because it actually taught me a few things and I really didn’t want it to because I hated it so much. You know, that one?) , well… it kept trying to get me to recognize my own fears. Like, why certain things drive me crazy. What am I afraid of?
Why do I get in such a panic when we’re running late to therapy or Pre-K?
Why do I get agitated when the kids can’t find their shoes and we’re running late?
Why do I get in a frenzy right before Sim comes home and the house is a mess?
Why does it irritate me so much when I spend time fixing Nandi’s hair and realize that she took it down in the car and now it looks a mess?
Why do I get upset when Nandi wants to dress herself in her crazy, color-blind outfits?
Why do I get in a panic when Eli starts fussing and throwing a fit in the middle of Walmart?
So, I sat down and analyzed all these things and realized that it all comes down to this… I’m afraid people will think I’m a bad mom.
If Nandi dresses herself in pink pants and a red shirt with marker all over it and then takes her hair down on the way to school and it looks like it’s never seen a brush, then I’m afraid the teachers will think I don’t take care of her.
If Eli throws a fit in Walmart, I’m afraid everyone will think I can’t control my child.
If we’re running late somewhere, I’m afraid people will think I can’t get my act together.
If the house is messy when Sim gets home, I’m afraid he’ll think I sit on my butt all day.
Don’t you see? All this paranoia is unjustified. Who cares??? When I die, am I going to have to answer to anyone but God? No. And He knows I’m working my tail off and doing the best I can. He put us together as a family. He knew it’d be hard. He’s the only one that matters.
And all this guilt and worrying is causing me to be permanently stressed… and trust me, the kids feed off it. They love it.
So the first step in all of this is to change my attitude. Quit worrying about what everyone else thinks. And, also, start changing the way I do things so that I won’t be running around all crazed like.
I’m not one of those moms who has outfits ready to go the night before. Lunches aren’t packed and ready in the fridge. I take showers in the morning. (Oh, who am I kidding. Who has time for showers?). I wait until the last minute to do everything.
So, I need to take responsibility for some of the chaos that’s going on in our house and change some things. Be more organized. Be more prepared. Keep things running as smooth as I can.
I may not be able to change what happened to my kids. I may not be able to help them on my own. But I CAN change myself and do what I can to make things less chaotic – and to things to help change my attitude and frame of my mind.
Now, as far as the RAD stuff goes…
We’ve (I’ve) started bottle feeding Nandi three times a day. She really loves this and actually made eye contact for the first time yesterday! She then scratched my face, but hey, it’s all in the name of progress, right?
The kids listen to Dr. Reznick’s Guided Imagery CD’s at night to help them relax. They seem to really like the CD's and beg for them at night.
We’re also going to start doing light therapy with the younger two. Noah started it a week ago, and since we already had to pay for the glasses, we thought we might as well see if all three kids could use them. Eli and Nandi have their evaluations in two weeks. It’s pretty cool, as the glasses were designed to stimulate the temporal and parietal lobes… and Nandi’s missing parts of both lobes… so I’m curious to see if the glasses will help.
Even though we know she has an attachment disorder, I can’t help but think that her brain injury plays some part in this.
Also, we’re trying to do some sort of physical activity each day. Right now, Sim is training for a marathon and I’m trying to get in shape for the 10K, so we’re at the park several times a week.
The kids are also doing 4 (possibly 6) weeks of swim lessons. Excessive, I know. But Noah looooooooooves the water and I’m very passionate about kids learning to swim. Drowning is the number one cause of death for kids with autism, so there’s no debating it.
We’ve also decided to enroll Eli in public school next year. He’ll start kindergarten and it’ll be an all-day class. He has a lot of specific learning issues and I do foresee that we’ll have to pull him out at some point in the future, but, touch wood, he’ll be in Kindy all next year.
We had always planned to homeschool, but honestly, I need the respite. I apologize to all the teachers out there who just read that I am putting my kid in school for respite care. But, seriously, I can’t handle another year like last year.
People seem to think that the younger two must get ignored all the time because of Noah’s 24/7 needs. But it’s so not true. Noah is the one who gets ignored. He’s so quiet and passive and could happily stay in his room all day long. And the other two are so high energy and demanding that they get the bulk share of attention.
Noah needs me. And I haven’t been there for him. So come mid-August, it’s just going to be me and Noah for a few hours a day. Nandi will get out of Pre-K at 11:00, but from 8 – 11, it’ll be the two of us. I can’t wait!! There’s so much I need to do with him. I don’t think these next two months can come quickly enough.
And besides all that, I’m just constantly telling the kids how much I love them. Trying to keep calm, cool, and collected… and letting them know that I love them.
Now, I have to admit, that our case(s) is not as extreme as many. They don’t leave scary pictures on my bed in the middle of the night. I don’t have to sleep outside their doors or worry that they’ll hurt me in my sleep. So the things that we’re trying sound pretty simplistic compared to a lot of families who are going through some extreme things and seeing some pretty alarming stuff in their homes.
But, so far, this is what we’re trying and we’ll see if works. It hasn’t really worked quite yet….
However.... I have been left alone for 20 minutes to type this blog post out… and that’s quite a shocker. I'm sure the dog probably has Dora stickers all over her body and the bathroom might be flooded, but, hey, I was able to blog. lol
Now, when I blog again, I’ll post about the event that caused my attitude to start changing towards Nandini. I admit, I was getting pretty frustrated with her and pretty upset all the time. So I’ll try to blog about that soon – because it really helped put things in perspective.
Okay, gotta go and see what mischief those two have been getting into....
Last week was pretty good, but we were gone sunup to sundown. Yesterday? Eh… not so good. This morning? Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
But I’ll go ahead and humor you and tell you some of the things we’re trying.
First of all, and perhaps the biggest, is that I’m having to change my attitude. I never realized my extreme need to control things until I had a little RADish… who also has an extreme need to control things.
You know that book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. And It’s All Small Stuff ? Well, I sweat the small stuff. Big time.
I’m trying not to sweat the small stuff anymore.
That book that I read (the one I hated so much and hate even more because it actually taught me a few things and I really didn’t want it to because I hated it so much. You know, that one?) , well… it kept trying to get me to recognize my own fears. Like, why certain things drive me crazy. What am I afraid of?
Why do I get in such a panic when we’re running late to therapy or Pre-K?
Why do I get agitated when the kids can’t find their shoes and we’re running late?
Why do I get in a frenzy right before Sim comes home and the house is a mess?
Why does it irritate me so much when I spend time fixing Nandi’s hair and realize that she took it down in the car and now it looks a mess?
Why do I get upset when Nandi wants to dress herself in her crazy, color-blind outfits?
Why do I get in a panic when Eli starts fussing and throwing a fit in the middle of Walmart?
So, I sat down and analyzed all these things and realized that it all comes down to this… I’m afraid people will think I’m a bad mom.
If Nandi dresses herself in pink pants and a red shirt with marker all over it and then takes her hair down on the way to school and it looks like it’s never seen a brush, then I’m afraid the teachers will think I don’t take care of her.
If Eli throws a fit in Walmart, I’m afraid everyone will think I can’t control my child.
If we’re running late somewhere, I’m afraid people will think I can’t get my act together.
If the house is messy when Sim gets home, I’m afraid he’ll think I sit on my butt all day.
Don’t you see? All this paranoia is unjustified. Who cares??? When I die, am I going to have to answer to anyone but God? No. And He knows I’m working my tail off and doing the best I can. He put us together as a family. He knew it’d be hard. He’s the only one that matters.
And all this guilt and worrying is causing me to be permanently stressed… and trust me, the kids feed off it. They love it.
So the first step in all of this is to change my attitude. Quit worrying about what everyone else thinks. And, also, start changing the way I do things so that I won’t be running around all crazed like.
I’m not one of those moms who has outfits ready to go the night before. Lunches aren’t packed and ready in the fridge. I take showers in the morning. (Oh, who am I kidding. Who has time for showers?). I wait until the last minute to do everything.
So, I need to take responsibility for some of the chaos that’s going on in our house and change some things. Be more organized. Be more prepared. Keep things running as smooth as I can.
I may not be able to change what happened to my kids. I may not be able to help them on my own. But I CAN change myself and do what I can to make things less chaotic – and to things to help change my attitude and frame of my mind.
Now, as far as the RAD stuff goes…
We’ve (I’ve) started bottle feeding Nandi three times a day. She really loves this and actually made eye contact for the first time yesterday! She then scratched my face, but hey, it’s all in the name of progress, right?
The kids listen to Dr. Reznick’s Guided Imagery CD’s at night to help them relax. They seem to really like the CD's and beg for them at night.
We’re also going to start doing light therapy with the younger two. Noah started it a week ago, and since we already had to pay for the glasses, we thought we might as well see if all three kids could use them. Eli and Nandi have their evaluations in two weeks. It’s pretty cool, as the glasses were designed to stimulate the temporal and parietal lobes… and Nandi’s missing parts of both lobes… so I’m curious to see if the glasses will help.
Even though we know she has an attachment disorder, I can’t help but think that her brain injury plays some part in this.
Also, we’re trying to do some sort of physical activity each day. Right now, Sim is training for a marathon and I’m trying to get in shape for the 10K, so we’re at the park several times a week.
The kids are also doing 4 (possibly 6) weeks of swim lessons. Excessive, I know. But Noah looooooooooves the water and I’m very passionate about kids learning to swim. Drowning is the number one cause of death for kids with autism, so there’s no debating it.
We’ve also decided to enroll Eli in public school next year. He’ll start kindergarten and it’ll be an all-day class. He has a lot of specific learning issues and I do foresee that we’ll have to pull him out at some point in the future, but, touch wood, he’ll be in Kindy all next year.
We had always planned to homeschool, but honestly, I need the respite. I apologize to all the teachers out there who just read that I am putting my kid in school for respite care. But, seriously, I can’t handle another year like last year.
People seem to think that the younger two must get ignored all the time because of Noah’s 24/7 needs. But it’s so not true. Noah is the one who gets ignored. He’s so quiet and passive and could happily stay in his room all day long. And the other two are so high energy and demanding that they get the bulk share of attention.
Noah needs me. And I haven’t been there for him. So come mid-August, it’s just going to be me and Noah for a few hours a day. Nandi will get out of Pre-K at 11:00, but from 8 – 11, it’ll be the two of us. I can’t wait!! There’s so much I need to do with him. I don’t think these next two months can come quickly enough.
And besides all that, I’m just constantly telling the kids how much I love them. Trying to keep calm, cool, and collected… and letting them know that I love them.
Now, I have to admit, that our case(s) is not as extreme as many. They don’t leave scary pictures on my bed in the middle of the night. I don’t have to sleep outside their doors or worry that they’ll hurt me in my sleep. So the things that we’re trying sound pretty simplistic compared to a lot of families who are going through some extreme things and seeing some pretty alarming stuff in their homes.
But, so far, this is what we’re trying and we’ll see if works. It hasn’t really worked quite yet….
However.... I have been left alone for 20 minutes to type this blog post out… and that’s quite a shocker. I'm sure the dog probably has Dora stickers all over her body and the bathroom might be flooded, but, hey, I was able to blog. lol
Now, when I blog again, I’ll post about the event that caused my attitude to start changing towards Nandini. I admit, I was getting pretty frustrated with her and pretty upset all the time. So I’ll try to blog about that soon – because it really helped put things in perspective.
Okay, gotta go and see what mischief those two have been getting into....
Comments
Melissa
You have been on my heart, and I am definitely building empathy for you...unfortunately. :)
Blessings!
Hannah
Getting Noah swimming lessons sounds good. But I had never heard that about autism & drowning.. will you poke me in the eye if I tell you it's not true? Here's a scientific study about it..
http://www.autismspeaks.org/science/science_news/top_ten_autism_research_events_2008_mortality.php
(and here's my eye. go ahead and poke it..)
xoxo
So glad to hear that things are getting better. You can "hear it" in your blog.
We're all still praying for your family!
I so hear you on the "what will they think, how am I measuring up." I've loosened up a lot in the past year. I had to. But let me tell you--letting T-Rex wear whatever she wanted to church--ouch! That was painful. Praying for you, sending you hugs and wondering how we can shop at the same Walmart.
You Rock, Leslie, and God will use your love for your children in an AMAZING way!
Lisa H.
Have you ever made something you were so proud of? Can you feel that joy you felt again and remember what it was like? That is exactly how God feels about you and your children... They are His masterpiece he shaped and molded them exactly how He wanted them to be. They are perfect in His eyes and serving His purpose... You are the perfect mother for these children, He has molded you to be the greatest mom for them... He isn't worried about what others think of you because He knows he has prepared you and filled your cup to the rim and that you are in His will and serving Him... He knows when you have missed your time to brush your hair and sacrifice your body and life for your children because you love them so much... It would be different if you were neglecting yourself against His will... but not so, He totally knows about sacrifice for your children... He too had a loving son that sacrificed His love for us.... You are giving God honor and glory by caring for and loving your children... Don't think too much look at it all in a simple way.. When Nandi takes her hair down, tell her how beautiful God made her hair and enjoy the moment go crazy and take your hair down too... What the heck... Yes, I can't imagine what you go through daily and you will have your time of stress but know it is the perfect plan... I love your kids... Steph
Don't forget, Leslie - part of their road to healing is removing control which brings on some MAJOR regression and acting out.
It's actually working beautifully (thus, the MAJOR regression and acting out), you're just in the totally sucky part of the journey to healing and attaching.
:)
Reminder: I'll be in town next week!