The Day My Vanity Turned Me Into A Giraffe

This post kind of goes along with Courtney over at Storing Up Treasures. She's challenging everyone to take off the warpaint and show our faces in all our God given glory... warts and all.

The first picture was taken right after I washed my face this morning. I admit that the headband is hiding all the gray hair in my bangs. I've been repeatedly called out on all the gray that I have. I'm sure me and Ms. Clairol need to make a date real soon. This weekend perhaps?

Anyway, Eli took the second picture. I'm wearing the shirt I slept in last night. Can you read it? It says "Mrs. Darcy" on the front. And don't worry, I don't think my husband cares one bit that I go to bed wearing a shirt that says "Mrs. Darcy" on it. He's just thankful that I finally stopped wearing the one that had a blow-up photo of Mr. Bean on the front.

True story.

And, besides, I think his heart went a little pitter-patter, too, when Colin Firth emerged from the fountain in Pride & Prejudice.

Come on... don't pretend you don't know that scene. I know you know that scene!

So, the point of the whole thing is that Courtney is encouraging us to embrace our natural beauty with the point being that no matter what our outside physical appearance looks like - if we are beautiful and Godly and loving on the inside then that beauty will transcend our bodies and radiate on the outside.

Plus, it's also important to drink 6-8 glasses of water a day.

Or so says the article I read in Shape magazine about a Victoria Secret's model.

Ahem.

Anyway, so there I am. Zit on chin and all.

One of the best things about being in your late 30's is that you don't care about posting pictures of yourself without make-up on the internet for the whole world to see. But when I was 20? Heck no! And I didn't even have wrinkles or gray hair or even zits then. I mean, I can distinctly remember the day that I let Simeon see me - at age 20 - without make-up on for the first time. And I knew it must've been love for me to do that. Sad, huh?

Seriously, one of the best things about getting older is that your priorities start to change and things that used to be important just aren't that important anymore. I mean, I know I say that and here I am trying to work out and get in shape and curb my addiction to all things made from the cocoa bean.... but if I can blog about having a mustache, then, by golly, I can show a picture of me without make-up on.

Hurrah!

(Incidentally, the mustache post was written about a Girl's Night Out 2 years ago..... and, obviously, I didn't really learn my lesson, did I? See below)

Now, with all that aside, let me explain to you the very real lesson that being vain taught me this past week and how this rather embarrassing lesson is encouraging me to rethink things.

See.... we live on the lake and we have this tiny little Gilligan's island boat - really, it's like a tiny aluminum fishing boat circa 1961. It goes about 5 miles an hour. But it works! And it doesn't sink. So there ya go.

Anyway, we've been spending time on this boat and I've developed a rather nice tan. Complete with gigantico tan lines. You know those Barbie dolls you had when you were a kid? You'd undress them and they'd be completely white underneath that swimsuit? Well, yeah, that's what I looked like. Except not like Barbie. I've always been more like Barbie's best friend, Midge. But you get the drift.

Sooooooo.... a couple of week ago I scheduled a mammogram. Now, breast cancer runs in my family and I've had 2 benign cysts removed, so I normally go every 6 months. And, you know, really, the technicians there at Baylor could care less what you look like. I mean, they see hundreds of women a day. They don't care that I have the worst tan lines in the world.

But it mattered to me.

And don't laugh! I can't help my quirks.

Gosh darnit, I refused to have a complete stranger see me looking two-toned! You have noooo idea how bad it looked. So I bought some of that Jergen's self tanner and went to work. At first it was great. But then, I got a little greedy. And I slathered it all on after I took a shower. And I had wet hair. And my wet hair hung over my shoulder. And it dripped water all over me. And before I knew it, I had rivers of water running over me that completely washed off part of the tanner I had just put on.

Basically, it streaked me. I had white streaks all over my chest and stomach from where my wet hair had dripped.

So, I panicked. I only had 4 days until the mammogram. And I was loving my new tanned self. So I put more on. And a couple of hours later I put more on - because I was trying to even it all out. But I couldn't get it worked out. I had dark patches here. Light patches there. Then I tried to rub more on the light patches which made it darker. So I had to put more on the other patches to even them out.

By the end of it all, I looked like a giraffe. A giraffe. A ridiculously spotted giraffe with patches of light and dark all over my chest and stomach.

Fail!

And when it was time for my mammogram and I had to undress, I could swear the technician suppressed a giggle. Instead of looking like a mature woman who was about to undergo a screening that could potentially save her life, I looked like a fool who should have been out grazing the plains of the savannah.

I just set my jaw and stared straight ahead and tried to find my happy place.

I have never been so embarrassed.

From now on, no more self-tanner for me! God loves me how I am. My husband loves me how I am. And, shoot, if it's good enough for Barbie, it's good enough for me.