It's Time to Turn That Frown Upside Down
It's time for another Gratitude post.
What, you say? Another one? Did we just have one of those?
Yes. Yes, we did. But things are crazy and I'm feeling overwhelmed and so I need a bit of perspective.
Again.
About ten years ago, I remember my mom was feeling pulled in all directions. My granny, my granddad, and my great aunt were sick and my mom was the primary caregiver for all of them. She lived thirty minutes from them, but would drive to see them everyday. Shop for them, take them to their doctor's appointments, do their laundry... and still make it home by 5.00 o'clock and have supper waiting for my dad when he got off work. Just two years earlier, she'd undergone chemo for breast cancer and was still living in fear that it would return. Sim and I were in the final stages of Noah's adoption, and my brother and his wife lived 3 hours away. She felt stressed, pulled, and all alone.
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Just pulled in a thousand different directions and not sure which things to give priority to and which things can wait and which things I can give minimal attention to while keeping the guilt beast away.
We received test results on Thursday for one of our kids. Actually, they weren't that bad. A few months ago, I blogged that we suspected that this particular child was showing signs of mental illness. I didn't post what we were suspecting, but seeing that he doesn't have it, I guess I can go ahead and talk about it. Over the summer, we were pretty positive that this child was showing signs of early onset bipolar. The depression, the anger, and how it all cycled just screamed bipolar to us. It turns out that his psychologist didn't see that at all. In fact, this child was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, along with a Mathematics Disorder and Disorder of Written Expression.
I should be glad right?
But, in fact, I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I have 70,000 languages to learn, when I already speak 50,000. Because I have an all or nothing/bull dog mentality, coupled with my intense love for research, I feel that now I have to learn everything about dysgraphia and dyslexia and dyscalculia. I have to learn what it is and how it effects people and how to help my child learn despite this. I have to learn about education law and Texas education law and IEP's and ARD's and my child's rights. I'm going to have to fight the school, stay on top of the school, and do hours of afterschooling. I have to learn about ADHD and anxiety and depression. I have to learn about alternative treatments and medication and how ADHD meds can increase anxiety and anxiety meds can increase depression and how much more of this can increase before I just completely lose it?
I worry about Nandi and how to guard her heart and help build her self-esteem. I posted a question about this on Facebook last week and received the most incredible answers, but now I feel that I have all these books to read, and things to do, and while I'm trying to figure it all out, I feel that I'm screwing her up in the process.
I panic over Noah, who has decided to start eating sand, and pouring contact lens solution all over his head, and rub toothpaste all over his body and the mirrors, while emptying the hand soap all over the floor. I feel guilty because I'm not feeding him what he should be eating, and I need to learn to make bone broth soup and fermented vegetables and maybe he would do better if I could get him to try raw milk, but he's been off milk for so long that he doesn't like the taste. And maybe if we could afford to buy organic, his skin wouldn't be the way it is and, good gravy, how am I ever going to get him potty-trained?
And speaking of potty-training, will Naveen ever get potty-trained again? And will he ever sleep in his bed? Why can't he say his own name? And will I ever be able to put him down or will his bottom become surgically implanted on my hip? And even though kindergarten is 1 1/2 years away, I can't see him going. He is the most insecure child I've ever met and he is still so afraid that I'm going to leave him.
I need to reread The Connected Child and I need to finish my book on Reading Disorders in Children and am I ever going to finish that book that I started 2 months ago on Saint Augustine for Noah? Will Noah ever talk? Why do speech therapists charge so much money and why do we live far away from one? And why does my 9 year old still fist his pencils like a 2 year old and why does my 3 year old throw fits every single morning?
How do I guard my children's hearts and let them know how wonderful they are? How can we spend one on one time with them when Sim leaves when they wake up and comes home right before they go to sleep? And how do other parents do it? How do parents with 15 kids keep adopting? How do they afford it? Who pays for all those diapers? And they homeschool, too? And they make nutritious meals and their kids actually eat it? And there's no TV in the house? Oh my word, how, how, how, does everyone do it?
I spend so much time worrying, that I'm actually not even accomplishing anything at all. So, I've decided to put finger to keyboard and realize that if I look hard enough... and I don't even have to look that hard... that I can see blessings in all of this...
1. My young child has learning disabilities and anxiety and depression and ADHD.
Okay, we can live with that. Considering that I have a friend dealing with autism and schizophrenia in her household, we're doing okay. There's medication for everything my child has and we can work on diet and a behavior plan... and above all else... at least we finally have answers. We know what we're dealing with, we know now why this child is the way he is, and we can move on from there. So.. yes. Answers. We wanted them. We got them. Let's tackle this thing!
2. I don't know how to do everything for my daughter.
I don't have time to read a ton of books, but I do have time. Today, we made lunch together and she helped Sim out in the garden. Right now, she's gone to Lowe's with him to buy a plant. And Sim plans on teaching her photography, so they can share the same hobby together. What is that people say? How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. We can do that. We don't have a lot of money. But we can always find a way to make time.
3. I don't know how to pay for everything that needs to be done and already has been done. Noah needs speech therapy. Nandi needs an evaluation for learning disabilities and ADHD. The bills for Naveen's surgery are coming in and all four kids need to go to the dentist, while 2 need to see the dermatologist and one has to start seeing a child psychiatrist for possible meds. Three are going to Brain Gym next week, Naveen sees his Urologist and Nephrologist on Tuesday, and . Noah goes to his chiropracter Tuesday afternoon and then gets evaluated for a new stroller on Friday. I have to drive to Dallas four times next week and gas is increasing.
The good news is that three appointments are all on the same day, so that cuts down on gas. I can also head to Whole Foods on one of those Dallas trips and buy some Lavender essential oil and see if that helps with Eli's anxiety. We don't have to get a new stroller for Noah just yet, so if insurance won't cover it, then at least we'll know how much we have to save for and buy it another time. Our Brain Gym teacher only charges $12.50 per child, which is unheard of, and I bought some food on sale this week that I can take with us on these Dallas trips so we don't have to drive through somewhere. And our Neuro-Chiropracter, who I thought we were going to have to stop seeing when he stopped taking our insurance, is still letting us see him and did not increase the fee. That's good, right?
4. I don't know why Naveen is so clingy....
But I am grateful that we learned from Nandi on what not to do and we're really doing everything we can to make sure that he firmly attaches to us. It may seem strange and not right to people on the outside, but I can't think of anything more detrimental to Naveen right now than putting him in his own bed or putting him in Pre-K. He is so emotionally fragile and although I worry that he might be getting spoiled, my mother's instinct tells me that we're doing the right thing. And one thing I've learned in 10 years of being a parent is that I really do need to listen to that instinct more often.
5. I feel that I'm being pulled in 50 different directions and I don't know where to start.
I just need to take a deep breath and continue to do what I'm doing and add things where I can...
I can't do everything at once, but I can hug Nandi more and tell her how special she is and do one on one things with her. I can let her help me in the kitchen more often and play more board games with her. And when I have free-time, I can read up on one of those books that everyone's suggested to me.
I can continue to give Naveen 10 second hugs throughout the day and sit and read to him on the couch. He can continue to sleep with us, while we slowly try to transition to him to his own bed. I can set the timer to remind myself to take him to the bathroom, and do the same for Noah, too. And I can continue to let Naveen do the things he loves to do... help me around the house and just be by my side.
I can continue to read to Noah, put coconut oil on his skin, and do his daily therapies with him. I can work more on therapies I generally hate because they're messy... shaving cream, tubs of bean, and finger paints. I can make a goal of taking him on his bike at least a few times a week, and just spend more time with him.
I can't afford speech therapy right now, but I can work with him on bubbles and brushing his teeth, and blowing cottonballs across the table and maybe making sounds. I can make sure he gets his fish oil and vitamins and maybe once a week learn a new recipe that might help. First up... bone broth!
I can make sure that I work on deep breathing techniques with Eli and see if Lavender oil calms him down. I can work on setting a bit of money aside of each week until we can buy Times Tales to help with his multiplication tables and maybe read one article a night on right brain learning and how to help children with learning disabilities. I can work on making life not seem so overwhelming and work on breaking down instructions or chores into small steps.
I can't do everything, but I can do SOMETHING.
Okay, so this didn't really turn out into a gratitudes post... I'm not really sure what it turned into. But all I know is that I started it out by feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and now I feel that I have a clearer sense of what needs to be done and what can be done at the moment. We still have tons to work on. Tons more to do, but I think we'll make it if I just approach it the same way I would if I had to eat an elephant... one small bite at a time.
I'm off to go take that first bite. Hopefully I'll be back soon to let you all know how it tasted!
What, you say? Another one? Did we just have one of those?
Yes. Yes, we did. But things are crazy and I'm feeling overwhelmed and so I need a bit of perspective.
Again.
About ten years ago, I remember my mom was feeling pulled in all directions. My granny, my granddad, and my great aunt were sick and my mom was the primary caregiver for all of them. She lived thirty minutes from them, but would drive to see them everyday. Shop for them, take them to their doctor's appointments, do their laundry... and still make it home by 5.00 o'clock and have supper waiting for my dad when he got off work. Just two years earlier, she'd undergone chemo for breast cancer and was still living in fear that it would return. Sim and I were in the final stages of Noah's adoption, and my brother and his wife lived 3 hours away. She felt stressed, pulled, and all alone.
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Just pulled in a thousand different directions and not sure which things to give priority to and which things can wait and which things I can give minimal attention to while keeping the guilt beast away.
We received test results on Thursday for one of our kids. Actually, they weren't that bad. A few months ago, I blogged that we suspected that this particular child was showing signs of mental illness. I didn't post what we were suspecting, but seeing that he doesn't have it, I guess I can go ahead and talk about it. Over the summer, we were pretty positive that this child was showing signs of early onset bipolar. The depression, the anger, and how it all cycled just screamed bipolar to us. It turns out that his psychologist didn't see that at all. In fact, this child was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, along with a Mathematics Disorder and Disorder of Written Expression.
I should be glad right?
But, in fact, I feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I have 70,000 languages to learn, when I already speak 50,000. Because I have an all or nothing/bull dog mentality, coupled with my intense love for research, I feel that now I have to learn everything about dysgraphia and dyslexia and dyscalculia. I have to learn what it is and how it effects people and how to help my child learn despite this. I have to learn about education law and Texas education law and IEP's and ARD's and my child's rights. I'm going to have to fight the school, stay on top of the school, and do hours of afterschooling. I have to learn about ADHD and anxiety and depression. I have to learn about alternative treatments and medication and how ADHD meds can increase anxiety and anxiety meds can increase depression and how much more of this can increase before I just completely lose it?
I worry about Nandi and how to guard her heart and help build her self-esteem. I posted a question about this on Facebook last week and received the most incredible answers, but now I feel that I have all these books to read, and things to do, and while I'm trying to figure it all out, I feel that I'm screwing her up in the process.
I panic over Noah, who has decided to start eating sand, and pouring contact lens solution all over his head, and rub toothpaste all over his body and the mirrors, while emptying the hand soap all over the floor. I feel guilty because I'm not feeding him what he should be eating, and I need to learn to make bone broth soup and fermented vegetables and maybe he would do better if I could get him to try raw milk, but he's been off milk for so long that he doesn't like the taste. And maybe if we could afford to buy organic, his skin wouldn't be the way it is and, good gravy, how am I ever going to get him potty-trained?
And speaking of potty-training, will Naveen ever get potty-trained again? And will he ever sleep in his bed? Why can't he say his own name? And will I ever be able to put him down or will his bottom become surgically implanted on my hip? And even though kindergarten is 1 1/2 years away, I can't see him going. He is the most insecure child I've ever met and he is still so afraid that I'm going to leave him.
I need to reread The Connected Child and I need to finish my book on Reading Disorders in Children and am I ever going to finish that book that I started 2 months ago on Saint Augustine for Noah? Will Noah ever talk? Why do speech therapists charge so much money and why do we live far away from one? And why does my 9 year old still fist his pencils like a 2 year old and why does my 3 year old throw fits every single morning?
How do I guard my children's hearts and let them know how wonderful they are? How can we spend one on one time with them when Sim leaves when they wake up and comes home right before they go to sleep? And how do other parents do it? How do parents with 15 kids keep adopting? How do they afford it? Who pays for all those diapers? And they homeschool, too? And they make nutritious meals and their kids actually eat it? And there's no TV in the house? Oh my word, how, how, how, does everyone do it?
I spend so much time worrying, that I'm actually not even accomplishing anything at all. So, I've decided to put finger to keyboard and realize that if I look hard enough... and I don't even have to look that hard... that I can see blessings in all of this...
1. My young child has learning disabilities and anxiety and depression and ADHD.
Okay, we can live with that. Considering that I have a friend dealing with autism and schizophrenia in her household, we're doing okay. There's medication for everything my child has and we can work on diet and a behavior plan... and above all else... at least we finally have answers. We know what we're dealing with, we know now why this child is the way he is, and we can move on from there. So.. yes. Answers. We wanted them. We got them. Let's tackle this thing!
2. I don't know how to do everything for my daughter.
I don't have time to read a ton of books, but I do have time. Today, we made lunch together and she helped Sim out in the garden. Right now, she's gone to Lowe's with him to buy a plant. And Sim plans on teaching her photography, so they can share the same hobby together. What is that people say? How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. We can do that. We don't have a lot of money. But we can always find a way to make time.
3. I don't know how to pay for everything that needs to be done and already has been done. Noah needs speech therapy. Nandi needs an evaluation for learning disabilities and ADHD. The bills for Naveen's surgery are coming in and all four kids need to go to the dentist, while 2 need to see the dermatologist and one has to start seeing a child psychiatrist for possible meds. Three are going to Brain Gym next week, Naveen sees his Urologist and Nephrologist on Tuesday, and . Noah goes to his chiropracter Tuesday afternoon and then gets evaluated for a new stroller on Friday. I have to drive to Dallas four times next week and gas is increasing.
The good news is that three appointments are all on the same day, so that cuts down on gas. I can also head to Whole Foods on one of those Dallas trips and buy some Lavender essential oil and see if that helps with Eli's anxiety. We don't have to get a new stroller for Noah just yet, so if insurance won't cover it, then at least we'll know how much we have to save for and buy it another time. Our Brain Gym teacher only charges $12.50 per child, which is unheard of, and I bought some food on sale this week that I can take with us on these Dallas trips so we don't have to drive through somewhere. And our Neuro-Chiropracter, who I thought we were going to have to stop seeing when he stopped taking our insurance, is still letting us see him and did not increase the fee. That's good, right?
4. I don't know why Naveen is so clingy....
But I am grateful that we learned from Nandi on what not to do and we're really doing everything we can to make sure that he firmly attaches to us. It may seem strange and not right to people on the outside, but I can't think of anything more detrimental to Naveen right now than putting him in his own bed or putting him in Pre-K. He is so emotionally fragile and although I worry that he might be getting spoiled, my mother's instinct tells me that we're doing the right thing. And one thing I've learned in 10 years of being a parent is that I really do need to listen to that instinct more often.
5. I feel that I'm being pulled in 50 different directions and I don't know where to start.
I just need to take a deep breath and continue to do what I'm doing and add things where I can...
I can't do everything at once, but I can hug Nandi more and tell her how special she is and do one on one things with her. I can let her help me in the kitchen more often and play more board games with her. And when I have free-time, I can read up on one of those books that everyone's suggested to me.
I can continue to give Naveen 10 second hugs throughout the day and sit and read to him on the couch. He can continue to sleep with us, while we slowly try to transition to him to his own bed. I can set the timer to remind myself to take him to the bathroom, and do the same for Noah, too. And I can continue to let Naveen do the things he loves to do... help me around the house and just be by my side.
I can continue to read to Noah, put coconut oil on his skin, and do his daily therapies with him. I can work more on therapies I generally hate because they're messy... shaving cream, tubs of bean, and finger paints. I can make a goal of taking him on his bike at least a few times a week, and just spend more time with him.
I can't afford speech therapy right now, but I can work with him on bubbles and brushing his teeth, and blowing cottonballs across the table and maybe making sounds. I can make sure he gets his fish oil and vitamins and maybe once a week learn a new recipe that might help. First up... bone broth!
I can make sure that I work on deep breathing techniques with Eli and see if Lavender oil calms him down. I can work on setting a bit of money aside of each week until we can buy Times Tales to help with his multiplication tables and maybe read one article a night on right brain learning and how to help children with learning disabilities. I can work on making life not seem so overwhelming and work on breaking down instructions or chores into small steps.
I can't do everything, but I can do SOMETHING.
Okay, so this didn't really turn out into a gratitudes post... I'm not really sure what it turned into. But all I know is that I started it out by feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and now I feel that I have a clearer sense of what needs to be done and what can be done at the moment. We still have tons to work on. Tons more to do, but I think we'll make it if I just approach it the same way I would if I had to eat an elephant... one small bite at a time.
I'm off to go take that first bite. Hopefully I'll be back soon to let you all know how it tasted!
Comments
Hang in there. I think you're awesome and I totally miss you.
Praying for energy, and a clear direction for you--- as you and Sim strive to meet all the needs of your kiddos.
Wish I could do some running for you.
So now that it's all written down, the next thing that comes to mind is - go with me here - have you ever considered getting a buddy or a group of moms that you could check in with on a weekly basis? And that way you could set a goal for yourself each week, say, "make a batch of bone broth soup" and the other moms could come up with suggestions on how/when to do it, provide general encouragement for you/each other, and help keep you on track with meeting goals each week. Yes, I know, this coming from the woman who hates mommy groups! But I think of this more as a strategic thing than a sitting-around-drinking-coffee-and-swapping-stories thing.
Okay, what's next... I'm with you on the overresearching, and I say go with it if that's where your mind is taking you - BUT I think when it comes to anxiety and depression you're going to find a lot of alarmist and contradictory stuff out there. There's just so much and probably very few 'right ways' to approach it so it's wide open to interpretation. At the end of the day, you just want doctors whom you trust implicitly and who agree with your approach to parenting (e.g. organic, holistic, etc.). They will help you come up with a course of action for your son's treatment. And you will have to just trust. This or that website/book/expert will tell you This Is What You Must Do, and that will only make you feel more pulled in multiple directions. But that's just my opinion...I fall down the internet rabbit hole daily myself!
Okay, what else? Yes on Naveen. Trust your instinct. I've been reading older blog posts to catch up on your adoptions but what is the backstory with Nandi and attachment/pre-K? Maybe I'll just have to read faster. He will get potty-trained! It probably feels like he never will, but he will. And if he's attached at the hip right now, well fine. It's part of attachment. B couldn't care less when I leave the room until one time last week I left him on the playground with another mom for 10 seconds and he melted down and I thought, FINALLY! It's good he cares whether I'm around or not! (Of course today I left him at the Max Medical Center with a stranger for 5 minutes and he didn't blink an eye) So, yeah. I'd let that runs its course, as well.
I LOVE your ideas for Nandi and self-esteem. Soccer, gardening, trips to Lowe's with Dad! All stuff I think really helps build self-assurance. Accomplishing tasks, building skills, having 1-on-1 relationships with Mom and Dad is all good stuff in my opinion! And also, girls just go through that weird phase where they start to get self-conscious and awkward. The more of a solid foundation she has in terms of what her hobbies and talents are, then that can temper the other, less steady self-worth stuff (that we ALL go through, btw...still do!).
Okay I am so taking up your entire comments section but just wanted you know to you know you're already doing so much! I hope you know that. You're a great mom and I'm confident you'll figure out how to get yourself through this sucky moment of feeling overwhelmed. And you have a great support system, too!
xo
heather
Love you!!!!