It's a RAD RAD world
We've noticed a behavioral pattern with Nandi. Her behaviors always get worse in the spring. I have no idea way. I mean, don't get me wrong. We have trying behaviors a lot, but something about the spring really flares them up. And they stay that way until the end of summer.
On the postive side, I'm not getting bit anymore. Hallelujah! But her passive aggressive behaviors are driving me ku-razy! Crazy!
Things had gotten really good and there where days when a real sense of pride - an immense feeling of joy - would overtake me and I would think back to how far we've come. And then, bam!, we wake up the next morning and it's RAD Central in our house.
I get so mad at myself because I let my guard down again and again and think that things are finally better (and they are improving, they really are) and then it all goes to hell in a handbasket and Sim and I are left shaking our heads wondering what on earth just happened.
Things were really bad this morning - so much so that I didn't even send her to school this morning because the battle just wasn't worth it. The school morning routine will be the death of me. I'm sure of it. My tombstone will surely read, "Died of stress caused by trying to get her kids dressed and ready for school every morning while trying to keep a smile on her face."
I envy those parents whose children pick what they want to wear the night before and actually stick to it. But Nandi? No way. She'll pick something and if I don't object to it (really, I literally laugh at my old self for hyperventilating whenever Nandi chose stripes and polka dots. I don't even care now. Just choose something!) Anyway, if I don't object to what she chooses (or even if I do object), she throws a fit and changes. Then rinse and repeat at least 4 times. By this time, we're running late and I'm totally stressed. Oh, and before you even suggest it... yes, I did send her to school naked one day. Had to pull over right before we dropped her off when she finally relented and I dressed her on the side of the road. Even sent her to school barefoot last week because she kept taking her shoes off. What do I do? Duct-tape them to her?
Anyway, today's cause du jour was because she kept playing with my bedside lamp that I had to buy to replace the one that a certain someone broke, and I told her no. She did it anyway. And I was stern and told her not to do it again.
There ya go. Obviously I don't love her. You see, Nandi has a love tank. It's like a gas tank, but it's a love tank. And no matter how much love I put in there, it never ever ever gets full. Sometimes it'll almost get full and then something will happen... like, I'll fill Eli's glass with water first or maybe she'll ask for candy for breakfast and I'll say no and then bam! the love tank gets a puncture and drains again.
Do you know how exhausting that is? For both us and her? If we say "no" then we don't love her. She is so insecure that it's painful to watch. And you can literally see it.
You can literally see the light go out of her eyes.
It's like a wall is built up right in front of you and she goes into robotic mode. And everything is then done slow and deliberately. The "accidental" kick of the dog. The "accidental" knocking over of the glass full of water. The book that suddenly falls off the shelf. The drawers that all become opened. The pile of clean clothes that suddenly end up on the floor. The bed that gets peed in. The door that gets slammed on me as I'm walking through it...
And then there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing that she needs to be homeschooled and the guilt of acknowledging that I enjoy the respite when she's in school. The guilt of wondering if I'm doing enough. The guilt of having yelled at her this morning and undoing weeks of positive parenting. The guilt of wondering if we're just messing her up more and wondering if she'll survive school. Wondering if she'll end up 13 and pregnant. Yes, we worry about that. When you have a daughter with RAD you can't help but wonder that.
And, yet, at the same time, she is doing sooooo much better. I wonder if these RAD days bring us such despair because we've seen the good days. We know what good days are like now. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel...we're so close.... but we just keep getting derailed.
Anyway, I originally started blogging this post just as a way to explain why I've been absent for a while. RAD parenting takes up soooo much energy and you really have to be "on" all.the.time. I just can't afford to get on the computer much right now - even though I honestly would love to just get on here and veg out. It's taking a lot of discipline to not just surf the web all day and to really tackle what's going on in our family life.
To all you other parents out there dealing with this... I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck. It's only 9 more hours till it's their bedtime!
On the postive side, I'm not getting bit anymore. Hallelujah! But her passive aggressive behaviors are driving me ku-razy! Crazy!
Things had gotten really good and there where days when a real sense of pride - an immense feeling of joy - would overtake me and I would think back to how far we've come. And then, bam!, we wake up the next morning and it's RAD Central in our house.
I get so mad at myself because I let my guard down again and again and think that things are finally better (and they are improving, they really are) and then it all goes to hell in a handbasket and Sim and I are left shaking our heads wondering what on earth just happened.
Things were really bad this morning - so much so that I didn't even send her to school this morning because the battle just wasn't worth it. The school morning routine will be the death of me. I'm sure of it. My tombstone will surely read, "Died of stress caused by trying to get her kids dressed and ready for school every morning while trying to keep a smile on her face."
I envy those parents whose children pick what they want to wear the night before and actually stick to it. But Nandi? No way. She'll pick something and if I don't object to it (really, I literally laugh at my old self for hyperventilating whenever Nandi chose stripes and polka dots. I don't even care now. Just choose something!) Anyway, if I don't object to what she chooses (or even if I do object), she throws a fit and changes. Then rinse and repeat at least 4 times. By this time, we're running late and I'm totally stressed. Oh, and before you even suggest it... yes, I did send her to school naked one day. Had to pull over right before we dropped her off when she finally relented and I dressed her on the side of the road. Even sent her to school barefoot last week because she kept taking her shoes off. What do I do? Duct-tape them to her?
Anyway, today's cause du jour was because she kept playing with my bedside lamp that I had to buy to replace the one that a certain someone broke, and I told her no. She did it anyway. And I was stern and told her not to do it again.
There ya go. Obviously I don't love her. You see, Nandi has a love tank. It's like a gas tank, but it's a love tank. And no matter how much love I put in there, it never ever ever gets full. Sometimes it'll almost get full and then something will happen... like, I'll fill Eli's glass with water first or maybe she'll ask for candy for breakfast and I'll say no and then bam! the love tank gets a puncture and drains again.
Do you know how exhausting that is? For both us and her? If we say "no" then we don't love her. She is so insecure that it's painful to watch. And you can literally see it.
You can literally see the light go out of her eyes.
It's like a wall is built up right in front of you and she goes into robotic mode. And everything is then done slow and deliberately. The "accidental" kick of the dog. The "accidental" knocking over of the glass full of water. The book that suddenly falls off the shelf. The drawers that all become opened. The pile of clean clothes that suddenly end up on the floor. The bed that gets peed in. The door that gets slammed on me as I'm walking through it...
And then there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing that she needs to be homeschooled and the guilt of acknowledging that I enjoy the respite when she's in school. The guilt of wondering if I'm doing enough. The guilt of having yelled at her this morning and undoing weeks of positive parenting. The guilt of wondering if we're just messing her up more and wondering if she'll survive school. Wondering if she'll end up 13 and pregnant. Yes, we worry about that. When you have a daughter with RAD you can't help but wonder that.
And, yet, at the same time, she is doing sooooo much better. I wonder if these RAD days bring us such despair because we've seen the good days. We know what good days are like now. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel...we're so close.... but we just keep getting derailed.
Anyway, I originally started blogging this post just as a way to explain why I've been absent for a while. RAD parenting takes up soooo much energy and you really have to be "on" all.the.time. I just can't afford to get on the computer much right now - even though I honestly would love to just get on here and veg out. It's taking a lot of discipline to not just surf the web all day and to really tackle what's going on in our family life.
To all you other parents out there dealing with this... I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck. It's only 9 more hours till it's their bedtime!
Comments
I feel like I've been wandering in the desert for a thousand miles and this post was like the drink of ice water that I've been longing for.
Now I can go on. Hopefully not for SO LONG this time. ;-)
Brilliant with the naked thing, btw.
How's this one: get her clothes like Arthur: All the same pants and all the same shirts.
HA! Outcrazy the crazy!
Can you imagine how pissed she would be? OH.MY.HEAD.
Love you girl!
We've got the love tank thing going on too. If I don't let Princess pick (whatever), she studies everyone else's (whatever) and no matter what, even if they are all EXACTLY THE SAME, determines hers is not the biggest, and therefore she is not loved "the most" and "the most" special. Then, voila! door-kicking ensues. Sigh.
Love Corey's Arthur idea. I have buckled Princess in her carseat buck-naked with clothing in a bag. I only had to do it once, but who knows? Naked doesn't bother everyone.
Lori Pierce
LOVE YOU!
Sandwich
My 13-1/2 YO son has a bunch of concommitant "schtick" going on, including a mood disorder. They can call it a "purple cow" for all I care - let's just figure out a way to make life better and move on!!!). Spring here is traditionally hell-on-earth as well.
Last night I was slammed in the face at close range with a box that contained a cordless phone - just after a laundry basket of folded clothes came cascading down the steps. He was angry because I wouldn't sign him onto the laptop for various reasons.
Many would point (and have) to a lack of discipline, or too much discipline, or ... well, some combination of errors that my husband and I are making as parents. But (just as it is with your own kids) it's more - sooo much more - than that. We are moving heaven and earth to deal with his issues, and my husband and I have made decisions that no parent should ever be called upon to make. Like you, we have days like yesterday where things spiral downward after a string of relatively good days or weeks (emphasis on "relatively"!), and I wonder if we will ever permanently be able to emerge from this dark tunnel. Even when things are good, I've realized that I never truly exhale; I'm always waiting for that other shoe to drop. Rationally I realize that I - heck, NONE of us - deserve to go through what we do, but there are stubborn irrational parts of my brain that play that deadly, demoralizing, no-one-wins "what if??" game. Guilt is brutal, isn't it?
I've often wondered if our own little version of a Spring Fling is allergy related (we all have 'em) because my kiddo does not do well if everything in his life is not "at balance" (health, hunger, sleep, etc) ... and we all know how frequently THAT occurs! But, according to our tdoc, Spring is a bad time for many/most neuro atypical kids. No one really knows why, definitively, but it is. So we shudder and hold our collective breaths when the trees start to bud and the daffodils begin to show their blooms. If it wasn't so darn close to home it would be a really interesting phenomenon to ponder.
And now that my son's hit puberty, in all of its hormonal glory, it's like a turbo, "on-speed" version of what most parents go through. Belligerence, oppositionality, limits-testing, know-it-all mouthiness ... times a million. We, too, worry a lot about issues of substance and/or alcohol abuse; the lack of consistent impulse control, the oppositional tendencies, and the fact that - frankly - some of the illegal drugs "cure what ails 'em" in a way that is apparently infinitely more effective than the legal rx variety ... well, those are all scary, scary things that keep me up at night.
ANYhow, sorry for the digression. I just wanted to empathize and send you a WHOLE bunch of wishes for patience, strength, and peace. No matter what the catalyts for our kids' issues are, the upshot is that it's not an easy road; few people understand what this stuff is like to live with 24/7.
I'm very, very glad that you've decided to dip your toes back in the waters of the cyber-pool. We lead *very* different lives, but your perspective and amazing ability to stay grounded, maintain a sense of humor and perspective, and not go stark-raving, debating-with-your-Cheerios insane continue to inspire me.
Again, apologies for rambling. Hang in there, and please continue to post if you can carve out the time. It can feel as though you're just posting to a big, black hole but - trust me - you affect a LOT of people with your blogging. I admire you, respect you ... heck I want to BE you when I grow up. If it's okay for a stranger to offer hugs ... well, here you go {{{}}}. ~ Ruth :-)
Don't feel guilty about sending her to school. You both need the separation and she needs the social interactions. Yes, homeschooling would have it's benefits, but it's downside too. You are doing great!!!!