Recovering Noah

We have been plagued with the plague. Viruses have not only infected our family, but also our computer. Yes, our new computer. Did you know you're supposed to put an anti-virus on it? Don't laugh. I'm the same woman who blew up her previous computer because she didn't know she was meant to dust it. I'm sorry, but maybe I'm just not cut out for computers. Everytime I hear the word firewall , I think of a stone wall on fire. Actually, I think of Hadrian's Wall on fire. I have no idea why. And I'm not even sure stone can burn. But that's what I think. And spyware makes me think of Sherlock Holmes and then that makes me the think of the new Sherlock Holmes movie that is coming out on Christmas Day and that makes me think of the actress Rachel McAdams who's in the movie. Which, of course, brings me to the Mom's Night Out night that I participated in a few weeks ago - and my first night out since May of 08. And then I think about how we watched The...

As you can tell, I am back and finally connected to the real world again... via our brandnew laptop. I would tell you about how Sim braved Friday night traffic and drove to 4 different Best Buys in 3 different counties with the farthest being 2 hours from our home in order to get a computer that was on sale, and how he got that computer home a week ago but that it was broken and how I swear if he could have he would have crawled up into fetal position right then and there and cried. But I'm the only one allowed to do that in our family. So I did. And I certainly won't write about him comparing me to a crack addict and saying I need to go to a 12 step program for Google addicts..... but we won't talk about that. And you did read the part where the first computer he brought home was broken right? I guess God was trying to teach me a lesson and didn't feel it was important that I get on the internet immediately to find out if the guy who plays Hector on The Electric Co...

Yep, it's dead. Gone. Gone. Gone. You're supposed to clean them. Computers. Did you know that? Yeah, if you don't, then all sorts of dust and dog hair and who knows what collects in it and then it overheats and fries. Apparently, CPU stands for Clean Periodically U (Idiot). I barely remember to dust the tops of the pictures frames and clean that back part of the toilet that no ones sees. Am I really supposed to remember to clean the inside my computer, too? Sigh. It's a shame really. I had all sorts of interesting and thought provoking blog posts that I was preparing to write. Like, How to Teach Your Children to Sit Down at the Dinner Table Without Resorting to Duct Tape and How to Go Green: Save Money on Trash Bags By Shoveling Your Dog Poo Over The Neighbor's Fence and From Fat to Fab: How to Get Bikini Ready On a Steady Diet of Ben & Jerry's That one was my personal favorite. I was even going to post pictures in my new itsty bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka...

That's what a lady asked me at Walmart the other day. "Are you barren?" Uh, not only was that a bit personal, but does anyone even use that word anymore? Granted, I do believe she was born around 1874, so maybe that was the word de jour back in the pioneer days, but come on... barren ? And the truth is that normally I would brush off a little linguistic faux pas like that, but girlfriend was carrying a Coach bag and wearing some ultra fab little trendy shoes, so I know it's not like she just stepped off the covered wagon yesterday. Anyone who spends their days shopping at the Galleria cannot claim to be so out of touch with reality that they didn't know that it wasn't couth to refer to someone as barren. Although spending my days shopping at the Galleria would probably suck out some of my brain cells, too, so I guess there could be a little truth to that. Dude, they don't even have a Birkenstock store there. I think that in itself demands a prompt call to ...

And I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control And you know what? I think I like it. Yep, there's something major happening that's causing me to break out into the Pointer Sisters in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. I'm finally on a schedule. Now, if your first thought upon reading that is that my bowel movements are finally moving regularly... well then 1) You're either my grandpa's age 2) You're a nurse or 3) You're a mom to a child with special needs... 'cuz you know we all have Phd's in Poopology. But no, that's not it. I mean, thanks for caring and all, but I'm referring to something completely else. (But if you ever have any questions about poop, I'm your girl.) No, I'm excited because I'm on the other kind of schedule. You know, a regular routine. Like, where you get up at a certain time of day, put on real clothes and don't try to pass off your pajama bottoms as yoga pants, actually brush your teeth for...